On top of spring cleaning our wardrobes of crop tops we regret buying and wearing in bulk, I also spring clean my life of people who have proven themselves time and time again to be hindrances to my self-development and progress. And as I sort through this pile of people, I always encounter, without fail, my parents. And I sigh and put them back in my metaphorical closet knowing all too well that I can't send to the goodwill of toxic people.
Even though my mother has repeatedly proven herself to be the number one biggest trigger for my eating disorder. Or that my father's condescending behavior triggers anxiety. It doesn't matter, they are my parents and I am never getting rid of them. That isn't a statement of love, but rather of surrender and defeat. They pay for college, the roof above my head, and anything I want. They have basically bought property in my conscious which is why I can't throw them away that easily. I am financially and emotionally attached to them, depending on how life and career pans out, potentially forever.
So every time my mom tells me I look fat or tells me I can't have dinner, I know that instead of just counting out my mother, I have to stop the emotional explosion within myself that leads to me bingeing in the middle of the night. That is obviously easier said than done. But often I have negotiated, explained, and even yelled for my mother to understand that calling me names or restricting my meals does nothing but make me more susceptible to the voice in my head that tells me to binge. But she won't change, and I know she never will, so I have to.
Some days, I do wish I wasn't in need of their financial support so I could have the power and independence to walk away and not look back. It would be the most healthy outcome and I could probably live a much more stable and mentally healthy life. But I guess I don't have the confidence to succeed alone, which is why I have decided to stay put and just adjust.