"You've got thunder thighs." I was a pre-teen and we were at the lake one hot summer day when my mother said this to me. I think she was half-joking, and she tried to correct it by saying something about baby-bearing hips. Gross, I thought, I don't even want kids.
Those words have stuck with me for a long time, and my body image has been an ongoing struggle. I have always been a picky eater, and I have had multiple knee injuries. Things changed for me when I joined my high school's swim team and took a weight-training class. I had never felt very graceful on land, but the water gave me a space to push my body without putting as much strain on my knees.
At 16, I took a lifeguard training course, which was very physically demanding. In that class, more words were said that stuck with me. We were practicing deep-water submerged victim rescues, and I volunteered to demonstrate.
"No, Paige, I need someone who can sink down to the bottom. You float," the instructor said. I wanted to sink below the surface of the water and never come back up. Fat floats, she's calling me fat. I don't think the instructor intended to be hurtful, but her words stung.
After I passed the training class, I worked as a lifeguard for many years. I had a free gym membership through my job, and I developed really good habits. Before my shifts, I would go to cycling or swim laps. Some of my best memories are from those summers. I look back at pictures from those days and while I thought I was overweight at the time, I wasn't. I was in the best shape of my life.
My freshman year of college, I pretty much lived off of dining hall waffles and peaches from the c-store. I got a lot of exercise walking all over campus and I took two gym classes that year.
By sophomore year, I had moved out of the dorm and into an apartment. My diet changed since I was able to cook food in our kitchen (if you call pizza rolls cooking), but I stayed active and loved riding my bike around campus. At the end of sophomore year and throughout my junior year, I had a part-time job at a local restaurant/bar and my classes became more difficult, so my stress level increased. I had put on some weight, but not enough that I felt too uncomfortable.
Senior year of undergrad was when things started going downhill. While my weight had slowly been building over the past few years, spring semester I ballooned. I was student teaching, and I had to move back home with my parents. Student teachers were not supposed to have a part-time job during student teaching, so I couldn't afford to stay at my apartment.
I ended up having to pick up a job anyway because I needed to pay for gas to drive to and from school. I look at pictures from that year and can see major differences from how I looked during the fall semester before student teaching to the spring semester, especially in my face. I look swollen and the weight gain in my midsection is noticeable.
The sudden weight gain pushed me over the summer to make changes. Since the public school year wouldn't begin until the end of summer, I returned to the pool to lifeguard while searching for a teaching position. I joined a local fit club and participated in weekly HIIT workouts. I started running 5ks and finished my first 10k. My body was getting stronger and I was shedding some weight. I felt very proud of my accomplishments.
I didn't find a teaching position, and once the summer ended, I began working as a temp in an office. It wasn't a job related to my major, but there was no work to take home. I was able to maintain a good work-life balance and continue to focus on myself.
In early 2015, I finally landed a teaching position. I was the first Spanish teacher at an elementary school and responsible for teaching six classes a day. I experienced a lot of stress. This was the point where I think things really starting going downhill. I began putting on a lot of weight again, and I was too tired to care or do anything about it. I attempted my first half marathon in fall of 2015, but I barely trained for it. One of my arms went numb while I was running, and it worried me.
The struggles I faced in 2015 followed me into the next two years. In April of 2017, I realized how bad things had become. I was teaching at a high school, and I was stressed and unhappy. On top of that, I did not have health insurance through my job. On a night out with friends celebrating my birthday, I dislocated my right kneecap. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and faced a mountain of medical bills. I hadn't dislocated my knee in ten years, and I realized that the rapid weight gain put too much pressure on my knees.
I knew I couldn't continue on the path I was on. I quit the job that was making me miserable and decided to go back to college to pursue a Master's degree. In the year that has passed since my injury, I have lost a little over 20 pounds, and I am not looking back. It has been really challenging, but I'm determined.
Weight is a touchy subject. While I agree that every type of body is beautiful, I know losing weight will be better for my overall wellness. I've also learned that everyone's body is just built differently. Yes, I have big thighs! But those big thighs allowed me to become a strong swimmer. My healthy weight is different from someone else's healthy weight.
I regret all the time I spent comparing myself to others and thinking that I was "fat." There's a new voice in my head as I continue on this journey, "Just keep moving forward, and don't give a sh** about what anybody thinks. Do what you have to do for you."