I've never been good at focusing on myself. I feel everything hard. So, by default, I feel for others just as hard. I am drawn to troubled souls and always have been. I let toxic relationships seep into my life at an absurd rate. Then, I find myself loving those people in a way that they would never love me.

And so I push myself harder and harder until I nearly break, or do break. I keep trying to help, but when I finally fall apart and my pieces need to be put back together again there is only me.

I keep asking myself why I do this. Why do I do this when the outcome is always the same? Maybe it's because I can't help but love feeling needed. More likely, I put myself in these situations so that the energy I should be putting toward myself is spent elsewhere.

That is, until this summer.

Most college or even high school students want to spend their summers going on adventures with friends, spending time with their significant other, staying up well into the midnight hours, and so on. I can honestly say that my summer has looked nothing like that and I am more than happy about it.

For the first time in probably my entire life, I am focusing on what makes me truly happy. And sometimes, that means distancing yourself from even the ones you love dearly. Sometimes, you need to be your own best friend.

Days spent with friends are far and few. You can usually catch me watching movies or camping with my family on the weekends. I have fallen into the rhythm of a nine to five job (internship) where I've been given opportunities I could have never fathomed. "Sleepovers" consist of nights doing facemasks and watching Disney movies with my little sisters. Occasionally, I splurge for a scoop of ice cream coupled with long walks along the Monon with my dog. I take long, hot baths and read at night until my eyes grow heavy and my mind's no longer full.

My favorite memories from this summer will be the ones spent alone, the ones driving along back roads. I now find comfort in the silence that once drove me wild. It is in the stillness of the night where I have found the best version of myself. No longer do I try to create chaos to distract me from the noise in my head. I welcome the thoughts and questions that poke and pry with welcome arms.

See, what I've learned that I was doing myself a disservice by trying to ignore these pounding thoughts. I was not allowing myself the chance to dive deeply into who I am, what I want, or what I need. I kept trying to silence the pain without realizing that I was hurting for a reason. They didn't creep into my mind to cause me pain, but to tell me how to stop the pain. They were neon flashing lights, but I mislabeled warnings for causes.

Perhaps my summer has fallen short of being eventful, but it lacks nothing in success. Maybe there have been no wild nights and I will have no interesting stories to tell. I guess my summer dulls in comparison to the summers of my friends. Frankly, I don't care though. I do not regret being in bed by ten each night or all cuddles with my dog.

More than anything, I do not regret putting myself first and neither should you. It is not selfish to love yourself the same way you would love others. You are not self-centered for taking a break to focus on yourself. If everybody is expecting you to give them your personal best then you sure as hell deserve to be your personal best.