What if? The dreaded question with no answer. The incomprehendable unknown. The question we all seem to ask ourselves once or twice in our lifetime.

This question has been haunting me the last few weeks, and I'm eager to see the cloud hanging over me dissipate.

What if I'm not at the right school?

What if I'm not in the right classes, for the right major?

What if I'm living somewhere that doesn't fulfill my happiness?

What if I'm with someone that won't be there in the future?

What if this sickness is more than a sickness?

What if?

These questions eat at me, forcing me into an anxious haven. I constantly worry about my happiness and future. Some may say, if you're questioning your decisions, you might not approve of them fully. I believe that also, but it's hard when you're in the storm.

What if the person I'm with now, is not the person I'm going to marry?

What if he is?

What if the person over there will be the one I marry? But why? I thought I was fully stable in the relationship I'm in now. Why are all of these sad, doubtful thoughts lingering in my brain? But why am I not stopping them? Why am I even having these thoughts in the first place? Are they normal? Is it normal to question the human you've been dating for years? Is it selfish to wonder what it's like without them?

Do you see my problem?

This last week has been full of back and fourth conversations with my self and a few close friends. It has been torture to a Type A set of mind. It's probably been torture to those that are not so Type A. I feel something big is about to happen in my life. I do not have an inclination of what could change. I have suspicions as you see.

So what if?

What if I'm not at the right school? What if school isn't my thing? What if I'm wasting my time and could be doing something that could change my life during this time? What if I move home, work full time, be in theatre, God I miss it. Will I feel just as confused and lost? Will I have mend a hole in my heart? What if I don't actually want to be in school, and what if I believe that's completely OK?

I am allowed to ask myself all of these questions and be concerned about my future, but the only way to know "What If?" is to just find out. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I have time. I have options. I want to find out these "What Ifs" as much as I can so, one day, I will know I did everything I could to make sure I lived life to the fullest.

Maybe right now isn't the best time considering I spent the last few days in the hospital, but at this age in my life, while I'm physically able to, why not?

I guess now is the best time to find out.

What if?