We’ve all heard the name whispered in the common room. We see members wearing their uniform. The signs of this dangerous brainwashing cult are spreading all across our campus. It’s time to put our foot down and keep our students away from the nefarious influence of the evil Soulcycle

It starts out so innocent. Sure, it’s pretty basic, but it’s a good way to get your sweat on right? You go for a free class or two- after all the promoters are all in such good shape and are so nice. How could you possibly say no? The next thing you know you’re wearing fulll Soulcycle attire, you’ve already worked out twice today and your friends are begging you desperately to stop talking about how great you feel all the time.

Soulcycleis just this year’s latest fad exercise, I hear you say… it’s following in the footsteps of jogging (pronounced “yogging”- I think it’s a soft “j”), hot yoga and CrossFit. No, you’re wrong. Soulcycle has a perverse religious dimension- the instructors shout things like “release your inner beauty!” and nonsense like that! The whole point of a class is not just to get in shape, but also to find your soul. Apparently “riders”, as the participants are known, “empower themselves with strength that lasts beyond the studio walls”… right.

Soulcycle isn’t just an exercise regime- it’s a way of life. Take a look at the instructors on their website and hover your mouse over the faces of the beautiful people who teach the classes to reveal their favorite quote. My personal favorite is Cat, whose line to live by is “Decide who you want to be – write it on your heart, ride it on your bike”.

I’m told by my sources that experienced riders enter into a kind of trance when they’re Soulcycle. The music blares at full volume, presumably so you can’t be distracted by the sound of sweaty butts rubbing against uncomfortable bike seats, the lights are dimmed, the ceiling fans are turned off and candles surround the congregation of riders. As a preacher does to his flock, the instructor faces those in attendance and shouts mantras. Clear as day, this is some brainwashing trick. For $35 dollars you get to sacrifice your individuality at the alter of bullshit. Boy, what a good deal! The only impressive thing about the whole company is that they’ve managed to convince everyone that theirs is an original idea. All they’ve done is dim the lights of a spin class.

I’ll end the article with an anecdote. I have a dear friend, Alexandra (not her real name), who decided to give the fad a shot. She signed up for a free class. Alexandra, like me, is a sceptic. She too had dismissed the stationary bikes as a dumb obsession of fitness crazed urban America. However, who are any of us to turn down anything for free was her attitude? She’s highly a highly athletic, confident, intelligent young woman. An hour of spinning legs should have been easy. This was not the case. After only half the class had elapsed, sure she was about to die, Alexandra made for the door. The heat, noise and darkness had become too much for her. She could barely push the door open, but she made it out of the studio just in time to propel a column of vomit across the perfectly hallway of the Soulcyclestore. Bemused shop assistants in smugly branded t-shirts flocked to Alexandra’s aid offering vaguely useless things like moist towelettes. No time for that- Alexandra needed to get to a restroom. She spent the next 40 minutes in the stalls heaving out the contents of her stomach and being nannied by an increasingly nervous Soulcycleemployee, while her friends were brainwashed in the studio. In a moment of pure physical exhaustion, Alexandra dropped one of the towels, which had been handed to her by the the worker, into the toilet. Having finally emptied her abdomen, she relieved herself all over the property of Soulcyclepristine white towel. People go to these classes to find their soul… what Alexandra found was her body’s darkest place. She wants to thank Soulcyclefor that transformative moment.