I must have started this article about a dozen times already. I do not know what it is, maybe the idea of coming clean to an audience of people I cannot predict, or just putting this all in words, but the idea of writing this and, someone reading it, is terrifying.

I have depression, something I have struggled with and against my whole life. It wasn't until I was around thirteen did it get diagnosed, so until then, I lived in a brain that would not communicate with me, would not tell me what was wrong, would not react like I wanted it to, and I did not know why. Now, knowing why all these things happen the way they do makes dealing with it a little easier. Still, as I watch the summer sun fade into the bleary winter, I cannot help but to be terrified.

I cannot speak for others who experience depression, only for myself. All of us have unique experiences when dealing with this disease and I would never want to invalidate someone's struggles. I can, however, talk about mine. This is particularly difficult for me because I have never publicly told anyone that I have depression. No doubt people who know me have probably figured it out, but it is still terrifying and also freeing to be able to discuss this openly and honestly to whomever would like to listen.

Talking about the past, how this all started, is a difficult and complex story. I have sat for hours with a therapist, and the only question on our minds is, "How did this begin?" and so far we have approximately zero answers to this complex question.

Instead, I will talk about the now, because even as I sit at my desk and write this, I can feel the depression, like a thought in the back of my head that I cannot seem to forget or bring forward to actually remember, or a gnat that keeps flying in front of my face; a subtle reminder of its gross existence.

Up until last year, I spent most of my time with therapists, and with those I trust, trying to come up with a plan on how to stop my depression. I thought if I could figure out the source, or discover a new coping method, I could somehow stop the inevitable cycle.

Every fall and winter I would be sorely disappointed as I felt that familiar sinking feeling as the weather worsened and my depression came back full swing. Every spring I would feel the horrible thoughts and feelings dissipate and I would think, "That was it. That was the last time. No more. I am free," and every year the cycle would continue again; over and over.

Last year I decided to stop believing I could be cured of this. I know that sounds morbid, enough people have told me. The truth is it is better for me to assume that I will have more episodes in the future, that every winter my depression will become a constant companion, rather than hope fruitlessly that this past winter was the last.

Imagine you are standing at the top of a cliff. For me, pretending that I will not suffer from depression is like closing my eyes and stepping back, off the cliff, all while chanting, "If I don't look nothing bad will happen". So instead, I grab a parachute, I take a deep breath, and I allow what happens to happen, knowing that I have tools to help me, and an acceptance of the things I cannot change.

I've noticed that the sun is starting to set earlier in the evening. With this, comes the knowledge that I am about to jump off the cliff and into an unknown abyss. Every time is different and unique. I have also noticed that as the light begins to fade I can feel the depression setting in.

It is getting harder and harder to get up in the morning.

Going to bed, taking a shower, eating, are all becoming a chore.

Going to class, something I used to enjoy, becomes something horrendous, strenuous, and tiring.

I want to sleep all the time.

I forget to eat food. When people text me I forget to respond.

When people talk to me, forming a response becomes exhausting.

I know there are others who are about to step off the cliff, or already have and to you I say good luck and I am rooting for you. We all can make it out the other side. It is important to know that no one has to struggle alone and there are always people who can help us through hard times. Don't forget to eat something today. Get up and go brush your teeth. Take a shower. Talk to someone. Anything you do is an accomplishment.

Take care.