When I was young, I was that kid that stood out. I was called special, and I was treated with attention by other people because of it. At that age, I didn't get what that meant. I thought I was actually considered special, and I felt like I was a part of something. But that wasn't the case.
I was never included in events, parties, or popular school crowds. I was always that odd girl that sat in the back of the classrooms, taking notes super quickly so that none of the slides would go unnoticed. I was lonely. I was that girl that wore dark clothes to be unseen. I was that girl that wanted to be popular but didn't look popular. I was that girl that didn't have a smartphone in middle school and got insulted because of it.
In other words, I was lonely. I never understood why I was at such a young age because it seemed like every other kid had friends and events of their own. I would go to school and try to talk to people and mingle but I never seemed to be myself in those moments.
I would have trouble talking and stutter and then people would look at me with their unwavering eyes as if they were constantly judging. It was up to the point where I refused to go to social events in general and find solace in the corners of my own room. My own parents constantly thought there was something wrong with me, and I knew I couldn't blame them for that, either.
It wasn't long until I realized I had social anxiety. It was super draining for me to attend events in which I would have to socialize with strangers until the event was over, which was normally up to five hours if I was lucky. I would have to be talking until my throat was dry.
It didn't seem worth it for me to go because, in all honesty, I did not have fun. I did not meet new people, because I saw right through them. Their fake smiles, their fake reassurance, their fake conversations that really showed that they didn't want to get to know me. I wanted genuine smiles and laughter, deep conversations, but I couldn't find that in large crowds.
And so I set out to find people of my own. I started to make friends with people who were introverts, those who understood where I was coming from. Those who saw the real me, and not just my exterior. Those who love me the way I am.
People constantly judge when I tell others I have social anxiety, but my real friends don't. They see me for who I truly am. Even though I can be extremely boring and extremely salty when I am tired, they are there for me through and through. It's at times like those when I know there are people who have my back.
What I have isn't worth it to make the wrong type of people as friends. It's these moments in life where we start to learn what really matters to us. It's finding those friends that care about who we are and not just focusing on the issues that we have.