First off, I really hate crowds. I have really bad anxiety when I am surrounded by people and I see no way out. Everything gets really hot and then it gets really hard for me to breathe. That's one reason I have social anxiety. But the main reason is in the actual act of speaking.
I'm not the best at face to face conversation. I never really know what to say or more importantly, how to say it. I'm not only afraid of talking to people because of this, but I'm also afraid of what will happen if I do talk to them.
I either talk too much or too little. And I never know the right thing to say, or when to say it. After nearly every interaction I have, my mind goes into a frenzy.
I mentally slap myself for saying something stupid. I get angry because I stutter when I talk too fast or stumble over my words. I tell myself that I could try more, I could try to be better at talking to people.
After all, that's my friend's advice for me. When I call them when I'm feeling lonely, they just tell me I should go up and talk to someone. While that may be easy for them, it definitely isn't for me.
My heart begins pounding when someone sits in the empty seat next to me in a classroom. My breathing gets heavy when someone looks at me, as my brain convinces me that they're judging me.
I start sweating when I'm addressed. My entire body starts shaking when I have to speak in front of the class.
Another thing people don't understand about my social anxiety is that I'm convinced that I annoy every single person I talk to. I tell myself that they don't want to talk to me, they don't want to get to know me.
These thoughts go running through my brain with even the simplest conversation. Even with small talk, my brain is constantly screaming at me that I'm going to screw something up by speaking. That's why most of the time, I just stay quiet.
So no, social anxiety is not just being shy and not wanting to talk to people. At least mine isn't. It's so much more. And hopefully, I will be better at getting a handle on it over time.
Hopefully, this lets others know that there could always be so much more happening under the surface of the "quiet girl". And hopefully, this lets those who feel the same way know they are not alone.