I have been meeting people left and right for the past year. I have been opening up and shutting down.
I get optimistic for every date, dolling myself up and telling myself, "This time, it's going to work. It has to!" Even though I get so disappointed each time, crying while going up the elevator or walking back up the stairs at the end of each date or hook-up that I knew would just mean that's all he wanted from me... I still believe something great is out there.
And now, I met someone who is saying all the right things. But guess what? I heard another guy say and do all the right things...and then leave me so broken. This one does seem different, though. He holds my hand in the car. He opens the door for me. He takes me on dates. He says the sweetest good nights...and tells me that he doesn't want me to think he is just using me.
He tells me that he feels like a better person around me.
That makes my heart soar.
Yet, just like all those dates or hook-ups that did not go well — just like that night when I walked back from Old Main lawn, having just had an amazing night making love under the stars— I am scared once I give my full self again, he is just going to leave.
I cry in the elevator after our dates...even though they go well! And it's because I am so insecure and so terrified. I am so scared he is going to hurt me.
I used to be so optimistic but it seems that spirit somewhere within me is crushed. In the moment, I am there and I am smiling and I am believing. But when I am alone, I am so un-trusting of everything. I am so scared.
And so, I just don't understand how people do this. It hurts so much to not know what he is thinking and what he wants from me. He might just want the same thing all those other guys wanted. He might just want me for my body, though that is never something he said.
I just don't want to be hurt. I want to be able to trust again.