CHERRYFIELD, WI — Cherryfield officials confirmed today that they had successfully undone ten thousand years of recorded history by overthrowing the patriarchy.
“A utilities worker replacing an electrical line tried to catcall a passerby and was very firmly admonished by both other citizens and his friends. That’s the only overt expression of male power we’ve seen since Monday, and we’re proud of how it was handled,” Tasha Mohammed, Cherryfield mayor, said.
“I called his mother yesterday and she confirmed that was not, in fact, how she raised him," Mohammed said.
Cherryfield resident Peter Storhelm realized the patriarchy was overthrown on Monday morning when he first saw his wife, Sandra Storhelm.
“She just had this, I don’t know, radiance about her. I realized she was basically a living goddess and an incarnation of creation. I mean, she created a living human inside of her body. Which is absolutely nuts if you think about it," Storhelm said.
Storhelm confirmed he had decided to actually help out around the house for once.
“Yeah, I vacuumed the living room like I said I was going to for weeks but was secretly hoping Sandra would do instead. Honestly, it wasn’t really all that bad. Took twenty minutes. And it felt like the absolute least I could do since Sandra works full time," Storhelm said.
Another resident, James Daless, who works in IT, claimed he was “completely okay with” the promotion of a female coworker to a position he wanted.
“I mean, I’m disappointed, sure,” Daless said. “But I don’t doubt at all that Tammy’s perfectly capable. She’s demonstrated a high level of competence in the past, and nothing about her has made me discount that out of hand. That would be ridiculous. The only thing that would be more ridiculous would be writing a lengthy memo implying that women are categorically worse at this job due to so-called ‘biological differences.’”
Some Cherryfield residents have privately expressed reservations about the changes.
“I told a chick at the bar she’d be prettier if she smiled, and the bartender actually told me off. Can you believe that?” Chad Stuckworth said.“It was just a perfectly innocent compliment with no ulterior motives whatsoever. What makes her think I don’t have the right to demand she make herself look attractive to me?”
Stuckworth, who makes a living streaming Counter-Strike: Global Offensive on Twitch, suggested he may move out of Cherryfield to neighboring Mountainview, where the patriarchy is still firmly in place.
“This town is run by literal Nazis now, dude,” Stuckworth said. “Like, there is literally no difference between the fascist Third Reich, which attempted to exterminate an entire race of humans, and women wanting a share of respect and power in society. Literally zero difference.”
The mayor of Cherryfield claims the Patriarchy has sent several representatives offering to reinstall traditional male-dominated power structures, but so far residents have declined.
“I think we’ve mostly realized this is better for everyone,” Mohammed said. “It’s an exciting transition, and it seems to be going well. Hopefully other communities will be following suit soon.”