Alright readers, it is time for some vulnerability. My plan is to shed light on a subject that is very near and dear to my heart. A topic most people never ever talk about because they feel as if no one understands. Or maybe because it simply seems to be socially unacceptable, and this is why it is known as the “silent epidemic.” Most commonly, however, it is referred to as an eating disorder.

I debated whether or not I would share this, but I believe God allows for us to experience difficult times in order to shape and equip us. Once we find ourselves carried to the other side by His mercy and grace, we are able to connect with and help others in our lives who are going through the same thing. I am choosing gratitude and hope. I am running from fear and shame. Because I have been carried by I AM…my gracious Heavenly Father.

When I was in the fourth grade, my math teacher happened to be on a strict diet. To relate her lesson plan to her life, she decided to teach us 10-year-olds how to properly read food labels. It was never explained, however, what was healthy or unhealthy in relation to the numbers. That year, I became a little more aware of my body image and how what I ate affected it. In the following couple of years, I realized that I had control over what number showed up on the scale. I would cut out staple foods in my diet that I thought were “bad,” such as peanut butter or pizza or dairy products. In the seventh grade, I got my first gym membership and definitely took advantage of it. At first, I spent an hour in the gym each day. This soon became two hours. Later on, I also added an hour workout video to top it all off. In addition to all of this, I counted calories and restricted. I quickly started to lose weight, eating less than 400 calories a day and exercising up to three hours. My closest friends and family seemed to be catching on as both my body and well-being began to fade. By freshman year of high school, the eating disorder consumed my life. I couldn't breathe or think without being reminded of calories or my workout schedule or what the scale had read that morning. It was as if I had forgotten who I was. I was depressed, self-conscious, and in isolation. There was a distance between myself and even the closest people in my life. I didn't want anyone to get too close and see the mess I had gotten myself into. Yet at the same time, I didn't want to give it up. I was so stuck that I could not imagine having it all cleaned up. In my mind, I was the mess.

Although many people tend to see excessive exercise and under-eating as highly superficial or simply ridiculous, the causes are all too complex to be overlooked. Personality traits, family dynamics, requirements in certain career fields (sports, modeling, etc.), and depression are just a few that predispose both men and women to symptoms of eating disorders (National Eating Disorder Association). It is NOT a choice, my friends. It is an outward expression of an inner struggle. It is a sense of control.

On December 1st, 2011, I was taken to Vanderbilt to begin outpatient recovery. This was not just a sit-down in which I was told to change. It included a team of specialists who, over the following years, guided me back to achieve overall health. I never considered the damage I was doing to my body. I was blinded by the image I saw in the mirror, which was distorted to say the least. By God's grace I was given a hand out of the pit before it was too late. He has opened my eyes to see that my worth is found in Him alone. Each day, He is leading me further by His truth.

Instead of "skinny," I now strive to be strong. Instead of skipping meals, I fuel my body with what it needs to be healthy. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." Honor Him by taking care of yourself. With the energy you gain by doing so, serve. Love. Bring your all to the table. Do it all for the glory of God.

Every day, we have a choice. We can choose to define ourselves by our struggles or our accomplishments or our image or what others think or say to be true about us. Or we can choose to trust what our Creator says is true about us. We can trust that He means what He says about our value to Him. Jesus did not die for you to spend your life running in circles to figure out who you are or doubting your worth. You are never too messed up or far gone for Jesus.

If anyone reading this is struggling or knows someone who may be struggling with an eating disorder, please find help. The National Eating Disorders Association is a great place to start. Speak up.

The silence must be broken.