You can admire someone, you can love them so deeply they won't be able to understand. But there's a part of you that you can't give to some. That part is negative, the side that destroyed you every night as you lay there helpless in your agony of your nightmares. That side of you is so powerful, you begin to let it control you. You allow it to tell yourself that you are not good enough. Some may not be able to handle THAT side of you. The one I may be deeply in love with will never be able to handle my side for I have seen how it destroyed me. I have felt that pain slice through my fiery, blood pumping veins, exploding in the depths of my heart. 

That pain..I won't let it drown another soul...

      You ever love someone so much you wouldn't know where to begin with this other side of you. There's a sense of them not understanding, a sense of no consideration, or action. You ever just look your loved one in their eyes, a second of relaxation. THAT side of you is at rest for a brief time. 

       You ever love someone so much it takes everything to fight the demon within you to hide a little longer. Thickening your wall will only last some time, while you wait, why not have some lust join. Our timing is bad, we are nowhere perfection. People are in love and not together, and many people are together and not in love. 

       All we do in life is look for someone to love and be loved. How hard can that be…I’ll tell you. I had hope for us-for him. I thought he would miss me as much as I missed him. I thought he was going to realize how good of a young women I am, and want that back. Want ME, not my body, but my heart. At the end, I knew we were an end, but I had hope. Even if I kept the dark side of me hidden, you admired the bright side and that helped the dark side to dissipate. Now-that is all that’s left. I loved you, admired you far more than you could imagine. I wanted to fall in love with your dark side and forget about mine. How bad is that? It is too much of a 'fairy-tale.' As you walked out, you took the light with you. I thought you were going to give it back because it was never yours, but I gave it to you so I have no option to speak.

        I learned to admire at a distance. I’ll admit that I hate that you moved on, but I’m happy that your happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you...Even if I wanted you. I wanted every part of you, and a future together full of healthy growth. I miss that because I had hope. Hope for a better life. Hope that someone could admire me for who I am and not what others think I am. 

I had hope, but I don’t know what that is anymore.

Cassandra Reynolds