There is nothing that crushes your self-worth more than realizing that you have always been the second option to everyone who has come into your life.
Being constantly used and thrown out like you’re nothing. Being told “I’m not looking for anything serious” and then having them turn around and leave you in the dust for someone else. Even if you aren’t looking for anything either, knowing you weren’t good enough to be that “something serious” hurts.
At first you don’t think anything of it. Maybe you just weren’t what they were looking for, and you tell yourself that’s fine. But having it happen over and over and over is like slowly being crushed until you eventually collapse, and your positive self image is gone.
Why am I not enough? Will I ever be?
It’s enough to make you feel like you will never be enough for anyone. You will never be worthy of the love you so desperately crave. Don’t get me wrong, I know I don’t need anyone to make me whole. But I just want to feel like I matter to someone. I mean, doesn’t everyone?
And just when you feel like maybe you matter to someone, even a little bit, it all comes crashing back that you have never been more than a second choice. There is always someone else, someone better. You’re disposable. You never meant anything to them.
Sometimes it isn’t hard to shake off. Maybe whatever fling you had didn’t last for long; maybe you closed yourself off because you knew that they would leave in the end. But sometimes it happens with someone you never thought would leave you. It happens with someone you genuinely thought you meant something to.
I spent a night with my absolute best friend, and I thought there was something more there. We talked all night about how we enjoyed spending time with each other and we could trust each other and cared about each other. I felt like I could let my guard down, I felt like someone cared about me.
And then two days later, there was someone else. I didn’t even hear it from him. I had to hear it from someone else.
He told me that nothing will change, he still cares about me, and that we will always be close. But I can already feel that he’s gone. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I don’t know why I expected a different outcome. I don’t know why I was so naive.
I try so hard to be enough. I try to be sweet and funny and caring and hope that maybe someday someone won’t leave. But maybe I’ll always be the other person. Maybe that’s just the way people view me. Disposable. Replaceable.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of people only keeping me around when it’s convenient. I’m sick of being the girl that people settle for until something better comes along. I’m sick of feeling like I will never be enough. I’m sick of being the other person. I’m sick of being the second option.
To the next person that comes along, if you’re just planning on leaving me like everyone else, then don’t even bother. If you’re just going to throw me out like I don’t matter, then find someone else to toy with. I don’t have the heart to give all of myself to someone again only to be left in the dust when something better comes along, with no explanation.
I wish I didn’t latch on to everyone that comes into my life. I try so hard to distance myself, and sometimes I even fool myself that I do. Maybe I care too much, and maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I fool myself into thinking that I don’t care, when in reality, I do. Maybe I read into things that aren’t there. Maybe I believe that one day I will actually mean something to someone. One can hope, right?