I’m Sick Of Being The Other Person

I’m Sick Of Being The Other Person

Why am I always the second choice?
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There is nothing that crushes your self-worth more than realizing that you have always been the second option to everyone who has come into your life.

Being constantly used and thrown out like you’re nothing. Being told “I’m not looking for anything serious” and then having them turn around and leave you in the dust for someone else. Even if you aren’t looking for anything either, knowing you weren’t good enough to be that “something serious” hurts.

At first you don’t think anything of it. Maybe you just weren’t what they were looking for, and you tell yourself that’s fine. But having it happen over and over and over is like slowly being crushed until you eventually collapse, and your positive self image is gone.

Why am I not enough? Will I ever be?

It’s enough to make you feel like you will never be enough for anyone. You will never be worthy of the love you so desperately crave. Don’t get me wrong, I know I don’t need anyone to make me whole. But I just want to feel like I matter to someone. I mean, doesn’t everyone?

And just when you feel like maybe you matter to someone, even a little bit, it all comes crashing back that you have never been more than a second choice. There is always someone else, someone better. You’re disposable. You never meant anything to them.

Sometimes it isn’t hard to shake off. Maybe whatever fling you had didn’t last for long; maybe you closed yourself off because you knew that they would leave in the end. But sometimes it happens with someone you never thought would leave you. It happens with someone you genuinely thought you meant something to.

I spent a night with my absolute best friend, and I thought there was something more there. We talked all night about how we enjoyed spending time with each other and we could trust each other and cared about each other. I felt like I could let my guard down, I felt like someone cared about me.

And then two days later, there was someone else. I didn’t even hear it from him. I had to hear it from someone else.

He told me that nothing will change, he still cares about me, and that we will always be close. But I can already feel that he’s gone. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I don’t know why I expected a different outcome. I don’t know why I was so naive.

I try so hard to be enough. I try to be sweet and funny and caring and hope that maybe someday someone won’t leave. But maybe I’ll always be the other person. Maybe that’s just the way people view me. Disposable. Replaceable.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of people only keeping me around when it’s convenient. I’m sick of being the girl that people settle for until something better comes along. I’m sick of feeling like I will never be enough. I’m sick of being the other person. I’m sick of being the second option.

To the next person that comes along, if you’re just planning on leaving me like everyone else, then don’t even bother. If you’re just going to throw me out like I don’t matter, then find someone else to toy with. I don’t have the heart to give all of myself to someone again only to be left in the dust when something better comes along, with no explanation.

I wish I didn’t latch on to everyone that comes into my life. I try so hard to distance myself, and sometimes I even fool myself that I do. Maybe I care too much, and maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I fool myself into thinking that I don’t care, when in reality, I do. Maybe I read into things that aren’t there. Maybe I believe that one day I will actually mean something to someone. One can hope, right?

Cover Image Credit: https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/08/25/this-gay-twist-ending-to-the-girlfriend-vs-the-other-girl-meme-has-gone-viral/

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8 Things I Have Not Thanked My Best Friend Forever For In, Well, Forever

Thank you for always being the best.
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1. Being there through it all, even if you're not "physically" there

We can't always be together, but you have never completely "left" me behind and have been there with me through thick and thin and I am so grateful.

2. Being my biggest cheerleader

Thank you for not only being there through the bad, but also celebrating my victories with me. I can always look forward to telling you good news because I know you'll be happy right along with me.

3. Answering my "important" phone calls

Whether it's a "he texted me back!!!" phone call, or an "I found a gray hair, please help!!" phone call, you pick up the phone and hype up with me no matter what.

4. Being selfless, and going above & beyond to make sure I know I'm worthy

This explains itself and I am so grateful for that.

5. Brushing my hair when I don't feel like it

Okay, this probably sounds silly... But it's the greatest struggle to brush my hair and I'm glad you do it for me sometimes!

6. For being there through all of my mini-crises

You already know what I'm talking about here...

7. For talking me out of things

If it wasn't for you talking me out of things, I'd probably have quit my job, be dating a horrible guy, got my eyebrow pierced, etc.

8. Making me a part of your family

I'm too lucky to have you all as my second family.

Cover Image Credit: Personal Photo

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College Taught Me To Open myself Up

To all my new friends - I was TERRIFIED of meeting you for the first time

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It has been almost two years since I first landed in the city which I now consider my second home. It is only fitting that I look back at my experience here at (THE) Ohio State.

In the fall of 2016, I was an 18-year-old international student from India, with my only experience of America coming from my favorite TV shows. I was still in the habit of writing color as "colour" and favorite as "favourite" (still stand by those spellings, though).

I was excited to have new surroundings around me and tons of new people to meet, but those very thoughts were the ones that gave me anxiety just thinking about them. I was never good at social interactions. But two years since, it is safe to say that I have come a decent length of the way (I won't say long because that would not be true.) Besides evolving as a person, I also picked up on a lot of new things in my freshman and sophomore years, and I hope that it turns out to be relatable to a lot of people.

I was always very awkward at social interactions. Just the thought of meeting someone new or presenting something in front of people would start the dominoes falling. My heart would start beating faster, my palms would start getting sweaty (knees became weak and arms became heavy), my mind would start spouting random thoughts at a 1000 miles per second, and I would just start dreading the future. I used to get an adrenaline rush by just answering a question in class or even asking a question in class (I still do. It's scary, okay?). There are many such examples, but there is no need to get so deep into the details; you get the gist.

Looking back at all of this, I feel very accomplished in saying that I am not the same awkward guy I was 2 years back. Don't get me wrong, I am still very awkward, just not to that extent. I have started opening up to people and making more and more friends. I've even started answering more in class. College has really done wonders for me.

Being a college student, and especially one at a big university like OSU, you can't not come out of your shell. Opportunities to make new friends and speak are always around you. Some of my favorite moments include swaying to Carmen Ohio with strangers standing next to me after each football game, or singing Piano Man at 2 am at Acacia, or even just walking down High Street on a Friday night, dishing out as well as collecting high fives from every passing person.

Being an international student also plays a major role in my "glow-up." Being so far away from home, with very few people speaking your language, and being thrust in the middle of unfamiliar surroundings does tend to evolve one and show one's true grit. I wouldn't be the same person that I am right now had I stayed back in India, where things were more familiar. Here I knew no one when I first came, so I was forced to go out and meet new people, and boy am I glad that I did that.

With a big college like OSU having so many people, there are bound to be people of every type. Like I have told others as well, if you feel that you don't fit in right now, do not worry. You are bound to find your niche soon. Everyone does. Everyone eventually settles into their own group, but that does not mean that you stop meeting new people. Chances are provided at every corner, especially the beginning of every semester when you see new faces in your classes (yes, this place is huge. You see new faces everywhere you look).

Looking back at these two years, I am glad that I convinced myself to come out of my shell of social anxiety and grasp the opportunities presented to me. I found people who thought like me, were kind to each other, and knew how to have a good time, while also being there for each other when the situation presented itself.
(I am looking at you, Hammock Club, and you, Rez B**ches, and you, all my friends)

Four years is a long time to live through if you stick to what you thought was comfortable. Everyone needs to step outside of their comfort zones to confront their fears. My fear was of talking to new people, and while that still remains, I believe I am on a steady rise towards getting over it.

Two years went by in a jiffy, but looking back, I am glad to see that the Abhigyaan Bararia of 2018 is miles apart from the Abhigyaan Bararia of 2016.

Cover Image Credit:

Abhigyaan Bararia

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