At a young age, I lost a friend to suicide. It was the worst experience, the worst feeling, the worst part of my life. I felt a pain that I have never felt before and that pain is still with me to this day. Losing one of my best friends was awful, and my little sister had to watch as I spent day after day catatonic on my couch. I didn't want to talk to anyone and shoved her away--I shoved everyone away. I hated the world, the people I normally loved, and people I didn't even know. My little sister saw me at my worst--my most broken state and my angriest state. My little sister was only thirteen when she saw me go through this. She was naive to the idea of someone taking their own life, and I wasn't in a place to explain my pain to her. All I could tell her was that I needed her to be strong for me because I couldn't. I needed her to understand that my pain was causing me to act this way.
She stood by me.
My baby sister--an innocent young girl had to watch me turn into a person that I hoped she would never have to see. I wished with all my heart that this would never happen to her--that she would never have to feel the pain, the trauma, I experienced at sixteen.
And yet, here I am. Three years later. On the phone with my little sister as she cries and screams over the news of losing one of her best friends. A girl that I have known all her life--watched her grow and have a strong friendship with my sister. I had to sit there and try to tell my sister that eventually things will be okay while her heart is breaking. I am continuing to sit by the phone waiting for her to call back with each new pang of hurt that strikes her.
I shouldn't have to do this. She shouldn't have to go through this. I shouldn't have to sit on the phone with my baby sister and try to comfort her, when I know nothing will. I shouldn't have to try to give her an explanation as to why her friend is gone--why people do this to themselves. I shouldn't have to listen to my sister sobbing and not be able to do a thing about it because I'm seven hours away from her--and I, being the only person in my family who might understand her pain even in the slightest, can't be there for her. She keeps asking me to come home. I shouldn't have to hear this from my sister.
The thing that I tried to protect my sister from is now going to affect her life forever. This trauma will never leave her. My sixteen year old sister is having to deal with this and learn to cope with the pain of losing a best friend as a junior in high school.
One of my worst fears for my sister has been realized today, and my heart is broken. I am once again broken. My little sister is broken for the first time in her life.
I shouldn't have to do this. No one should ever have to comfort their siblings as they deal with an unbearable loss.
