Many people do not realize the consequences of sexual harassment as well as sexual assault. By definition, sexual harassment is defined as "involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks." On the other hand, sexual assault is defined as "sexually touching another person without that person's consent, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will."
In retrospect, when looking at both definitions, the overall idea is the same, but people generally consider sexual assault as something to be more severe and more life-threatening. But what most people don't realize is that sexual harassment is just as bad.
I was sexually harassed at an age at which I tend to normalize certain actions other people bring onto me. My parents have always said that most of the time I bring their actions to me due to certain vibes I tend to give off. Looking back now, I realized I could have spoken up or told someone, but I didn't, because I believed that bringing attention to me just isn't worth it for something so small.
A guy friend had laid his hands on me, thinking that he had the right to touch me, just because I blindly allowed him to. He had laughed when I said "no," the first time, suggesting that he had just wanted to have "fun." He ran his hands up my thigh under my shorts when he was just inches away from the laces of my underwear.
His eyes meeting my own, telling me that I should meet him at the bus stop outside of the school so that he can have a "good time." I remember thinking that he just wanted to mess with me, that he wanted to embarrass me in front of his friends, that he wanted to treat me as if I was just another one of those girls he had hooked up with in school. He smiled, as I didn't give him an answer. I remember his words, as he whispered in my ear "don't forget" and winked.
Those moments hit me. They scarred me. I was not the same that year. Every time someone got close to me, I took a step back. Even if it was just an accidental touch, a bump, it took me every sort of bravery to stay where I was and act normal. But, internally, I was having a battle.
Trying to tell the difference between harassment and accidental contact was an everyday struggle.
My behavior also changed at home. Even my parents hugging me made me feel uncomfortable. My whole persona changed. I felt anxious every time I walked down the block, believing that he would turn up. My first sexual harassment experience did not immediately result in me being stronger, in fact, it was the main cause of me becoming distant with my group of friends, refusing to engage in any intimate surrounding.
He had consumed my daily thinking, even when he hadn't touched me inappropriately in a while. What people don't recognize is that sexual harassment isn't temporary; after the situation occurs, it can have a lasting imprint. I was scared out of my mind, afraid that he was gonna touch me in front of the people I loved, afraid that everyone was gonna blame me.
And so I gave in, whenever he came around. I didn't want the attention. I just wanted him to stop. When his hands explored the places that I felt insecure about, my anxiety grew. I didn't willingly give in; my own hands struggling to protect me from his. I crossed my arms over my chest, so he couldn't play with the straps of my bra, I wore baggy clothing just to hide my female features, I dressed in dark clothing just so he couldn't find me.
But he still did. He tugged at my hoodie and wrapped his hands around me and tried to pull me in close. He pulled at my ponytail and hid my hair tie. He grabbed my hand and tried to persuade me to never let go. There were sometimes in which I believed that he had a genuine interest in me, but who am I to believe that interest was equivalent to harassment? Even to this day, some say that people will cross boundaries to fight for the person they wanted. But is that justified? He was just some guy that believed that every girl wanted him.
He wanted to make me believe that I liked him back too, due to his sexual advances. In fact, many teachers that I had talked to within the school told me that he had an interest in me and that I shouldn't be making something out of nothing. But was it really nothing? If he had an interest in me, was I being rude in feeling uncomfortable with it? Was I the mean one?
Looking back now, my middle school days are long behind me. Now I am comfortable with having physical contact, but that doesn't mean that I am open to harassment or any unwanted touching. I try to love myself from time to time, knowing that nobody would dare to touch me again without my consent. He had no right to be able to touch me whenever I wanted, and it was due to him doing this to multiple girls that had pushed me to my limit. It was not only me that was suffering; the people I thought would judge me had been facing the same thing.
The time is now. To stand up to sexual harassment, and not letting it lead to sexual assault.