I was recently rejected for a job at the VEMI Lab at the University of Maine. I have struggled with anxiety since I was in adolescence. I believe that my unwillingness to talk about my mental disability played a role in why I wasn’t hired.

Here’s the reason why I was told they would hire me in a later semester: I didn’t attend the lab enough.

I was one of the best interviewees that they had ever had, but I didn’t attend enough. They do their best to foster a family-dynamic, something I can appreciate but can never execute emotionally.

I hate talking about my anxiety and my unwillingness to break into already formed social groups. Truthfully, I feel like everyone struggles with this to a certain extent. There’s a certain social dynamic already formed that you can sense right off the bat. I wanted to take my seat on the couch but I felt so unwelcome. I think that it all came from my anxiety.

Each workplace is different, and after holding volunteer positions, internships, and multiple jobs, I can tell you that finding the right job that you’re passionate about and the right workplace for you is a tricky balance that may never be achieved. All I want in life, and I assume most people want this too, is to find a job where that balance is achieved. My struggles with mental illness shouldn’t stop be from being able to achieve this.

I am in therapy, for the record. Therapy doesn’t magically cure all problems, like people think that it should. One session doesn’t cause all of your anxieties to dissipate into thin air. It takes time to overcome. You have to work hard in order to shift everything back into place.

I truly felt like this was a place where I would belong. I think, beneath the thin veneer of empty statements and falsehoods, lies the actual truth. Mental illness creates a divide because you think of all these imaginary borders and boundaries that may or may not exist. At this point, I find it very difficult to find a group that is accommodating towards these feelings, probably because of the emotional divide that I expect from a workplace. I am not used to the idea of friendship in a workplace because not everyone gets along. I don’t think most people are, but these are my generalizations.

For those who struggle with anxiety and depression, what can we do? Working and getting out of bed every day is already a hardship, the simplest actions can be a struggle. My only recommendation would be to keep searching if you can and if you can’t, you have to take steps to making a change in your life. You have to try to be the best at what you do. You have to try to fit in in your workplace. At the end of the day, mental illness can never be separated from our workplaces because we are who we are and illness shouldn’t be ignored.