I remember the day I heard those four bittersweet words:
"He's found someone new..."
I remember the day but not with clarity. It seemed as though my world that was cloudy but starting to let the sunshine through again was suddenly changed into a fog where nothing seemed real. I remember initially not registering what was said and simply saying what was expected of me, "Oh, well, I'm glad he's found someone who can make him happier than I could." But, after the initial shock wore off, my true feelings set in and my head and heart went into a whirlwind of feelings, memories of him and I, and questions.
Initially, I felt hurt. Hurt that you had moved on so fast; yet, here I was months later still looking at old pictures of us from time to time or rereading the old hand-written notes and poems. I was disappointed that I had now permanently lost someone I cared about more than I think I cared about myself and definitely more than any other lover to someone that I had never met. I was stunned that I could so easily be replaced when you said that I was incredible and the girl you adored. But, mostly, I felt angry and stupid. Stupidly I had held onto hope that someday, maybe when you saw me again that everything would be different between us. I had clung to the idea that when you saw me again, you would realize you had made a mistake by letting me go and come back, returning everything to the way it had been before the storm. But, life doesn't work like that...
Instead, I found myself sitting alone reminiscing on every memory of you and me from the time we met until the day you broke not only my heart but also my hope in relationships and belief that anything was possible because love would find a way to make it work. But, as the evening wore on, I realized that as angry and hurt as I thought I was, I really wasn't. I knew that anger was merely me lashing out to the idea that you had found happiness when I was still searching for someone who would see me as more than just another "blonde and blue-eyed, pretty face." I couldn't blame you for moving on because, ultimately, I wanted you to be happy and since I couldn't do that, I wanted you to find someone that could. Honestly, as much as the idea of you having moved on kills me, I know that someday I will be in your shoes and have found someone who brings the sunshine out even on a cloudy day. So, I'm sending my love to your new lover in the hope that she will treat you better.
Sending my love to your new lover was the biggest blessing in disguise. As much as it hurt to finally let every last piece of you that I had held onto since that tear-filled, begging, pleading, and, yet, ghostly silent last conversation we shared, I knew that now I could finish mending my broken heart and move on. I've moved on, don't get me wrong, but not fully. By finally sending every last piece of love I felt for you to your new lover, I felt a weight lift on my chest. I felt relieved that I could finally stop looking at every vehicle that looked like yours wondering if it was you inside or anxiously checking my phone each time it rang, hoping that it was you. Since sending my love to your new lover, I have finally been able to put myself back out there even though it is incredibly difficult. I have finally regained the smile that I once wore effortlessly. I have finally found what it means to truly be happy again. Most importantly, I have regained the faith that I once had in the possibilities of love and am willing, hopeful, and excited to find the person who will be there for me to lean on, to laugh with, and to adventure with.
Sending my love to your new lover was one of the most difficult things I never imagined myself ever having to do. But by sending my love to your new lover, I have freed myself of the weight and chains that paralyzed me from completely mending my once broken heart. As I sent my love to your new lover, I only hope that one day when you hear through an old mutual friend of ours or scroll through your Facebook feed and realize that "She's found someone new..." that you will put my happiness ahead of yours and send your love to my new lover and hope that he will treat me better.