It’s the oldest, most inevitable and most common parasite in history, and it plots the most silent attack on its own being. It holds time in the wrinkles in its face, it mocks its own host, and it kills every piece of who its host is. It eats away without regards to the destruction, and the host is completely oblivious to the abomination, and the saddest part is the host is sometimes aware of such but does absolutely nothing in response.

What is this life absorbing creature that has overtaken happiness, value, and demolished identity? The answer is hard to swallow, but rather straight forward. It is yourself. Self vs. self, the war fought and many times lost. We criticize, demean and dishonor ourselves in the very presence of ourselves. Why? Because the hardest person on us is the face we see staring back at us in the mirror gleaming in judgment. In school, I was in the show choir for five years. I loved to sing, and many asked “why don’t you try out for a solo”….yeah right so I can mess up and not be able to go back and fix it, and live with the annoying thought “I could’ve done better”.

I began to find that this “I could’ve done better” attitude poured into every part of my life. School, work, my workouts, relationships and even small decisions. I lived in constant fear of letting no one but myself down, because I have found it is hard to forgive and forget something you did to yourself. It was like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I was awkwardly comfortable there in my in between. I started devaluing my talents, and being scared to pursue them for the fear of being unsuccessful at what I thought I was good at. I downgraded my intelligence because I wouldn’t trust myself when it came to taking test or saying an answer out loud in lecture for the anxiety of being wrong. I demeaned my worth by allowing people who brought me down to remain in my life longer than need be because while not loving myself I chased those who didn’t love me either. I suppressed my confidence because the reality is there was none. I was so quick to forgive, understand, honor, trust, respect, admire and value others, but I never showed myself those same attributes.

It was like I was dwelling in insecurity, and I was fighting and doubting myself in everything I touched because I didn't want to let myself down. I then began to make excuses to God as to why I couldn't do something He called me to do because it was out of my comfort zone, and disappointment could be a dominant factor. My parents didn’t raise me with the wrath of perfection over my head, but instead I raised myself that way. In making small mistakes I couldn’t forgive myself like I could others, in choosing the wrong decision I couldn’t understand myself as well, and when taking exams or being faced with adversity I didn’t trust myself and constantly asked for advice or opinions. I couldn’t accept my flaws, and defects and see them as beautiful like I did in other people. We tend to be hard on ourselves because we make up this level of accomplishment in our head, and more often than not we make it unattainable because we expect great out of ourselves.

When we fail to reach this self-made standard we beat ourselves up over it. Critiques became hate notes, preparation became a cushion for failure, worth became something I found from worthless companions, and guilt triumphed over forgiveness. Now having spent time researching what it means to be a virtuous woman, I’m convinced that we women are not called to break ourselves apart detailing our flaws, but instead reminding ourselves we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We aren’t called to tip toe around obstacles in fear instead tackling them in faith and confidence. We should fall in love with ourselves, because we do enough, we are enough and we will be enough. Our best is all God asks of us, and in His presence He will fill in all the empty spaces you yourself cannot fill. Forgive yourself for your wrong as He does when casting them as far as the east is from the west, respect yourself and guard your temple, know your worth is not found in your definition but in Christ alone we are defined. Honor yourself and recognize your triumphs thus far.

Trust yourself and know that in prayer and petition God will always reveal the right decision in His time. Admire yourself not for your outward appearance, but for the good heart you do truly have. Understand yourself and know you will mess up but that doesn’t make you any less of a woman, and that doesn’t make you lose whatever title you hold. Value yourself, express your talents openly, confidently be you, and take time to do what simply brings you happiness. Lastly, “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” Colossians 3:12, but don’t forget to show yourself those same qualities as you do others. It’s not what you say to others that determines your feelings towards yourself, it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the greatest power.