Have you ever been in a place so dark before? Just super hard to get out of. Like most people, I know that feeling of self worth and just not feeling it.

I have never liked the way I looked. When I was 16 years old I was over 200 pounds. I never really cared until I looked into the mirror and then stepped on a scale. That's when I noticed how huge I was. I knew I was never a skinny girl, but it wasn't until I really looked to realize, wow I'm not what I thought I was.

I was the girl who could never fit into Hollister which was super popular and basically the top brand when I was in middle and high school. And then came the Pink Yoga pants from Victoria's Secret that I'd always tear a hole into. It really sucked. Especially when you are in Show Choir as a 16 year old girl surrounded by more beautiful girls who were fit and who were skinny.

So that summer before my junior year of high school, I became obsessive about working out. I went to the gym everyday, sometimes twice a day. I ate right and I really watched what I ate because I didn't want to go back to being the fat girl. I didn't really see my progress, but a lot of people did, which in a sense made me feel good. Throughout junior year I made time for the gym and continued working out a lot. I was proud of myself for sticking to it.

Then I hurt my ankle. Which made it impossible to workout. I got lazy. But I only gained a few pounds back and promised myself I wouldn't go back to 200 pounds. I stayed at 150. Sometimes I'd go up a bit, but not very much. I also made an internal promise that as soon as the doctor cleared me, I could go back into the gym and continue working out. Which is exactly what I did.

My senior year I was the tiniest I had ever been. I weighed 139 pounds. I was really small. Which I loved. I wasn't an XL in shirts I was a medium-large, and my pants size went from 14 to 8. When I broke my ankle and was out of the gym, I ate one meal a day. I was on adderall at the time, so it wasn't hard to basically starve myself. I did it without knowing I was doing it. I'd eat one meal, then I'd have a small snack for lunch. The adderall curved my appetite so I was really small. I just kept dropping the weight and honestly for the first time in years, I was happy with how I looked.

When college came around I gained the freshman 15. Mainly because I worked at a gym (such a lousy excuse for not working out I know) and I was in a relationship where the guy actually told me I'd be a beautiful plus size model. He didn't mean it in a negative sense I don't think. But it hit me hard. So I started working out again and I felt better about myself.

When I left school after a year, I started dating someone who hated working out. I mean hated it. Wouldn't go near a gym. I still kept to my routine and continued working out even though I had a boyfriend who hated the gym and just wanted to lay around, and that I worked at a gym. But the ladies around me were always working out and it helped with my motivation.

After my now ex boyfriend and I broke up, I got into the gym everyday. 1st month I was in at 5:30am. After that I started going in at 9:30 for Barre classes and then I'd come back either to run or to another class. I'd usually workout 3x a day. I was tiny again and it made me happy. I'd workout alone or with my mom who was doing this fitness challenge. I knew the woman in charge of these workouts and in charge of this challenge. She was good. She was is amazing.

This woman inspired many people. Myself included. I was lucky not only to work with her but become her friend and now dog sitter. She's a good person. I see it in her eyes. She is an incredible trainer. I've seen what she's done for her clients and for my mother and now for myself.

I never really wanted to use a trainer before. I just decided recently about a month ago "what the hell why not" best decision of my life. I have someone who motivates me better than honestly everyone. Before said trainer I worked out from time to time but it wasn't constant. Now it is.

Yesterday though for the first time in I don't know how long, I had a mental breakdown because I stepped on the scale. It looked like I weighed more, gained more. I looked at myself in the mirror and did not see my self worth at the moment. I felt sick to my stomach that I was even allowed in public. I contemplated just not eating (like I hadn't done at all that day) but when one of my work moms got wind of this she just kept saying "Eat. You need to eat. You are gorgeous." I admitted to her that I hated my body so much I didn't see my self worth at all. That I wish I was thin and beautiful. I admitted this to my trainer who blew up my phone saying how beautiful I was and that she was so sorry I felt this way, because no one should.

But the sad part is, many girls my age, older and younger than I am feel this way and unfortunately they act on this. The pressure to be beautiful is so real. The pressure to be fit and thin is so strong and almost impossible to push back. Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" lyrics stand very true, and so do Alissa Cara's 'Scars to Your Beautiful."

You're beautiful the way you are. Never force your body into starvation. Because the outcome is so deadly.

If you or someone you know has/had an eating disorder call this national toll free hotline for help

• National Eating Disorders Association1-800-931-2237 (Monday-Friday, 11:30 am-7:30 pm EST)ANAD:

• National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders 630-577-1330 (Monday-Friday,12 pm-8 pm EST)

• Email ANAD