On the journey of love and acceptance of myself, I've tried the basic things that come to mind when one thinks of self-care. Painting my nails while watching Jane the Virgin on Netflix. Long, hot, steamy showers that make me feel as if I were at a sauna. Making myself my favorite meal. And what I realized was that most of these self-care activities were at home, usually done after a long day of school or work, and done only as ways to decompress from the day because I was tired. Sometimes I'd do these activities half-awake, and wonder why the next morning I wake up with smeared nail polish on my bed sheets, or Netflix playing episode 2 of season 4 of Jane the Virgin, when I'm only on episode 1 in season 3. Most of the time, I'm not even at home; I'm out and about and personally, I love to be outside doing things. But I felt like I never went out for me- it would always be to see other people or to do a task such as school, work or chores. Only a few times I would venture into the world without a plan. But never alone.
So when my screenwriting professor gave us an assignment that particularly required for us to be alone, exploring the world without a plan, I was challenged. I haven't considered myself to be a spontaneous person since I graduated highschool, then again life was a lot simpler then. I let my thoughts run wild, let myself think of a place to go, somewhere that I'm not that familiar with. For some reason my mind said "Go to Hoboken."
I guess to put it in some context, I live in central Jersey (which exists) and Hoboken isn't that far away from me, but it's not a hop, skip and a jump. It's more like a couple trains, a skip and a jump. I'm used to taking the train- I do it everyday to go to school. But I haven't used it for leisure in the longest time, so it would be a whole new experience.
Also new for me? Going alone. I went on a bright, beautiful unseasonably warm Sunday. Wearing my favorite denim flannel that originally belonged to my mom, I felt like my best self. I also carried a handy Sony cybershot camera, my one and only companion for the day. I had no idea where to go besides the one destination my mind had chosen, but that was the beauty of it all. No set plan, just pure exploration.
I called it myself-exploration day. Not only did I explore the beautiful city I was in, but I explored parts of my own identity I never would have tapped into if I were with other people. And this isn't to say that I can't be myself around others, but I did what I wanted to do, I was on my own schedule and it was my journey. Often I found myself wanting to be the protagonist of my own life. What does this mean exactly? The protagonist is the main character of any story. We usually follow their life, their journey, and most times its from their point of view. I would try many things to make myself feel like a "protagonist," but I still felt as if I was just a secondary character in the lives of my friends, who all seemed to have more eventful lives. I never got to find out what my story might be. Even without all the crazy twists and turns, and telenovela like plot twists- we all are the protagonists of our lives. For the first time, I felt that was true. It was just me, amongst the lives of many others who are also protagonists of their lives. I was finally driving my own story.
A few things I did that day were things that I never thought I'd be comfortable doing on my own. And they weren't big things like interpretive dancing on the street or going up to a stranger to start a conversation. For example, I really wanted to ride one of those rent-a-bikes, ever since I did it with a friend in Hoboken two years ago. I feel like me from a year ago would never imagine doing that alone in a public space, but that's the beauty of public spaces- there are so many people doing their own thing, no one notices. Or cares for that matter. I was just living my life, and so were they. And I did it- i rode my bike along the pier, wind in my hair, Manhattan skyline as my backdrop and I felt a peculiar sense of freedom that I still can't describe other than that feeling when you let go of the handlebars of a bike, hands raised to the sky to touch the clouds and yet you're still pedaling. It only lasts a few seconds before gravity begins to do its job, but those few seconds is freedom.
At the end of my bike ride, I got myself Ben and Jerry's ice cream, from one of the Ben and Jerry's shops- a flavor called "Americone-dream" that I would definitely eat a whole tub of- and walked down the cobblestone alleyways into the setting sun. I know what feeling content is like now. Content in myself, and what I did that day. It was the best date I've been on, and I would definitely go on date number two.
I encourage anyone, to take yourself on a date. Don't really have a set itinerary- just see where your heart and mind take you. I can't promise to be a journey of self-awakening in which you open your third eye and see in multiple dimensions- but I will say it will feel freeing. You'll be the protagonist of your own life.