Hearing the deafening alarm ring obnoxiously, I somehow managed to find the strength to reach out of my covers and smack it off. Gloomy air whisked in from my screened-in window. Raindrops drizzled down it as thunder rumbled softly in the distance. The realization suddenly caught up with me. Sorrowful tears welled up in my sleepy eyes while I gazed out to the red seesaw that I surprised him with only a few weeks ago. Little did I know that in a couple of weeks, now, my heart would be shredded into sorrow.

Depression is strangling my heart while I search for peace with no success. I prayed for my son every single day and he never received healing! Seeing him trudge the cancerous pain sucked me in to experience the same pain emotionally. Emotional pain clogged up my throat as I glanced out seeing the strawberry red seesaw rocking gently in the wind. Thick, heavy clouds filled the sky interrupting the cheerful sun. Thomas, my son, was a fighter! Even before his nightmarish illness, he always found a way to toughen up -- even when I assured him that it was all right for tough guys to cry at times.

But Thomas always continued on with his playful life. Thomas never complained about the intense pain that writhed through his pain constantly. Not to sound selfish, but I sometimes felt that my emotional pain outnumbered his physical pain. Emotional aching is sometimes worse than physical. Not that Thomas' pain was unbearable, but the words are indescribable in trying to explain losing your son. I barely slept three hours each night ever since his heart-shattering passing. I am able to taste the fresh tears that are continuously gushing down my cheeks. My face feels as if my cheeks will be stained with weary tears. Each toy that I randomly find only brings me the fresh pain all over again. There were so many activities I meant to achieve with him. The strong grieving will never heal fully until I see him again while he dances with Jesus! Thomas is literally in God's hands now. I can't imagine what joy it is to see him walking and without severe pain burning throughout his frail body! His smile will permanently be stuck on his relentless smiling face. I will actually be able to chase him around and pick him up without any fears of hurting his delicate body. The days will always be much harder to successfully go through and the pain will never heal until I see him again!

But until then, dance, Thomas! Dance!