To my bully,
I was new at your school and had never gone to a private Catholic school before. When I first met you, I felt that you were a nice teacher and that I would get along with you. But soon I realized this was far from the case.
I don't know what made you so mean to me and my twin brother. We were new and shy, we had a public education so we weren't as caught up as everyone else. You expected us to know everything from A to Z. You called us out constantly in front of the class to criticize and grill us with questions like "Why don't you know this?"
We already felt outcasted enough with being new and all, not knowing anyone, and having glasses and acne.
What I didn't understand is that you completely singled me out. Other students would answer questions incorrectly, but you never harassed them and asked them "why don't you know this?" while everyone stared at me in silence as I stutter and say, "I studied" because I really did.
Oh, and about stuttering, because I was new and self-conscious and nervous, I would stutter while going up in front of the class- the kids would laugh at me and you didn't stop it.
Why did you hammer with me questions so much? Why just me? When it got to the point where I started crying, why didn't you stop harassing me? I was audibly crying, my voice shaking, tears clearly running down my face and you kept going.
I NEVER, NOT ONCE had an attitude with you. I never "talked back to you" and I never was rude to you. if anything it was the opposite. I hardly spoke enough in general for you to say that I had an attitude with you. When I did talk to you, my voice shook because I was FRIGHTENED. If my scared voice came out as having an attitude with you, I don't know what to say.
But yet you went so far as to schedule a conversation with my mother to talk about "my attitude". When my mother came for this, I ran to her and cried and said "I SWEAR I don't have an attitude with her!" My mom just said, "it's okay hun, I believe you, let's just get this overwith."
Let's just say if my MOM believed me on that, I wasn't lying. My mom is the person I've always had the worst attitude with. LOL.
Seven years later, three years ago, in September 2015, I found out that you had passed away from suicide. This sort of shocked me, considering you always seemed like such a strong and intimidating person. But then, it actually made a lot of sense. You were such a cold, unhappy person. You took out your sadness on other people. You made up lies. You made your students write in pink ink and you flirted with 8th-grade boys. Something just wasn't right.
But I also remember the ladies who worked in the front office gossiping about you and your life. Talking about how you got pregnant by your ex-husband, and that you guys got divorced, many reasons- one being that he wouldn't let you have a dog. It must have been hard to go to work every day knowing that people know you are pregnant and not married.
I am not sure why you took your life away, and I am in no way judging you for it because I've had suicide attempts myself in the past. But it might've been because you felt so alone, being a single mother working at a Catholic school.
I'm so sorry that you were depressed. I'm so sorry that you were lost in complete darkness and couldn't find your way out. I am sorry that drugs took over your life. I'm sorry if you felt you weren't enough and that nobody loved you. I am sorry that you felt like you couldn't talk to anyone about these suicidal thoughts. I feel so sorry for you. For the past three years, I've known why you were mean to me even though having depression is no excuse for being mean to a student.
You'd be happy to know that after I moved on to 8th grade and on from your English class, English was always my favorite and best subject. A's and B's every year. It is my minor in college now and I work for three newspapers/magazines as a writer.
I hope you rest in peace and that you have gotten a doggie in heaven.