When I was applying to colleges, I didn’t really know what I wanted. I applied to ten schools, all varying in size, location, and campus environment. I could have seen myself as one of those girls who got to a school in the big city and her eyes are opened to this new wealth of knowledge and culture. At the same time, I could have seen myself as the girl who went to a more secluded, big school with lots of athletics and school spirit. I was so conflicted at the time because I thought everybody knew what they wanted. I acted like I knew what I wanted, but I really couldn’t have been less sure. I was incredibly fortunate to have options, and that I had a family that would support me no matter where I decided.

Ultimately choosing between a smaller private school and a huge state school, I couldn’t have settled on two more opposite options. I was overwhelmed with the sense that if I picked one over the other, I would be making a life altering decision that could hypothetically pan out very poorly for me. I was either taking a risk by going far away from home, or by going to a school of 44,000 people when I graduated in a class of 70.

So, when I decided to leave my home of San Francisco to go to school in Philadelphia, a lot of people had questions for me. How was I going to deal with being that far away from home? How was I going to deal with the weather? Did I know that East Coast people were different from West Coast people? I listened to all of these questions and I didn’t really know how to answer any of them. I couldn’t anticipate how I was going to feel when my mom and sister left after move-in day freshman year. I’d spend time in the snow on vacations, but I never had to trek in it on my way to class. I’d never had a snow day. (My first one was very exciting by the way). My mom was from the East Coast so I assumed I knew what East Coast people were like… I assumed nice?

So when I finally moved into my dorm room, it felt surreal. I was so preoccupied with going to Bed Bath and Beyond that I didn’t really realize how significant this moment was. Once my mom and sister left, I started to get this rush of anxiety and I started to cry uncontrollably. I didn’t know what was coming over me, because leading up to this moment I kept playing it off like everything was fine. When people asked me these questions about going to school across the country, I said that it would just be a change of scenery. I went to the bathroom and tried to pull myself together, because I didn’t want to seem like that kid at summer camp who can’t let go of her parents for a week. But, it wasn’t a week and it wasn’t just a change in scenery. What if something happened? What if I did hate the cold and the people were mean and I was extremely out of place? I stayed in the bathroom until I stopped crying, but couldn’t shake this feeling that I made the biggest mistake of my life.

After moving everything in, my roommate and I went around to the rooms on our floor, introducing ourselves to our neighbors. We had a routine of saying that I was from San Francisco and she was from Los Angeles and wasn’t it so funny that we were living together when we went to school on the opposite side of the country? I felt a little more secure with my roommate being from LA, but she was naturally more outgoing and I was still anxious from my family’s departure. We eventually got to a room about halfway down the hall, and were welcomed by two incredibly kind girls. We spend the night with them, eventually making plans to hang out the next day.

I didn’t think I would be so lucky to meet such wonderful people on my first night of college, but I was. My fear of East Coasters being standoffish quickly vanished, because these residents of Connecticut and Massachusetts seemed to be extremely warm. The pit in my stomach started to fade away, and I was a little more confident going into my first day of classes. It would be a long path to finally being comfortable at school, but I eventually got there. I saw more and more recognizable faces around, I began to understand the difference between a meal and an MPE (still not 100% sure though), and I got into a healthy routine.

Throughout my first year at college, I learned that snow days could be extremely fun. I also learned that snow will be incredibly beautiful for the first few days but will slowly become a salt and dirt covered inconvenience in the subsequent weeks. I learned that maybe not all East Coasters are huggers per say, but that they are extremely kind (not mean and scary). I learned that being on the other side of this country can feel isolating, but that FaceTime saves lives when you feel homesick.

I’ve learned more about the significance of people opening up their homes to me for holidays. I think about the people who have offered to drive me to the airport or to storage units or for the families that have invited me over for a home-cooked meal and I’m overwhelmed for gratitude. Being across the country for school has taught be a lot about independence, but it has also taught me more about the value of what home is.

It is the generosity and hospitality of people that make a place a home. It might be cliché, but there are some days where school feels more and more like home to me. That’s why moving out is so hard - it’s not only the work of figuring out how you’ve acquired so much throughout the year, but taking down a home that you’ve made for yourself. I think of myself as a very different person leaving my dorm room than I was when I first entered it. I’ve made new friends, learned more lessons in and out of the classroom, and have changed my own personal goals.

My friends at the beginning of freshman are not all the same friends I have now, but I’m also not the same person I was freshman year. Part of that is obviously just natural maturation, but I also think it’s partially the challenge of being farther away from home. I appreciate the moments where I feel at home – I think about who I’m with and what I’m doing, because I can’t take a few hours’ drive to get home. I have to make that feeling of home, like so many other students, for myself.

Going to school across the country has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, but it wasn’t an easy one. I still get a pit in my stomach when I have to leave my parents, my room, and my sweet dogs. I can’t say I long for the opportunity to eat more dining hall food and wear shower shoes. But, when I get back to school and I’m with those people who make me feel like I’m home, I know it was all worth it. You won’t always get an opportunity to live somewhere completely different for four years with no real strings attached, so I suggest people take advantage of it if they can. I am very fortunate to even have these possibilities in my life, and I am so thankful when I think of all of the people that make the thousands of miles seem less daunting with each passing semester. My six-hour plane rides* are now just the gaps of time I can go from one home to another.

*This was written on a six hour plane ride.