As a twenty-year-old college student, I really have only had one relationship. Those elementary school and middle school 'flings' don't count. You think at the time they do, but honestly? Do you even know what the concept of love is by then? Not exactly. You hold hands with them and hug them but that's about it, at least, that's how it was when I was in middle school. Nowadays, the middle schoolers I hear about are wild and look like they could be mistaken for high schoolers and spending their time on social media such as Tik Tok, trying to make it famous like Baby Ariel.

That's beside the point; The last relationship I was in was my junior year of high school, well, the summer going into my senior year. I dated a senior (Oh! An upperclassmen), and needless to say, it didn't last long. Now he's off in some other state dating some girl he met on the internet and plans on marrying, but hey, that's none of my business. Since it was my first real relationship, I had no idea what to expect. He was my first kiss, and that story in itself is a damn mess, we won't talk about that whole situation. I was the one who ended the relationship, I don't regret it, it was for my mental health.

Never did I feel so overwhelmed, nervous, anxious, and just overall needing personal space. I felt so crowded and felt like if I didn't include him in my everyday schedule, it would be a tragedy that he couldn't spend time with me. That's cute and all, but, I like being alone, as much as having a boyfriend is nice, I don't need an extra clingy boyfriend for my first boyfriend. He wasn't like that with just me though, I heard so much tea on him, I'm glad I had left him when I did. I honestly don't think we would've lasted long anyway.

But, thanks to that relationship, I've been scared to get a boyfriend since. Sure, I always think about getting a boyfriend; I've dabbled into dating apps such as Tinder, Bumble, but, they just want nudes and hookups, I have more respect for myself and want to get to know a guy before I'm unzipping my pants for him. I guess that isn't ideal for every guy these days, especially living in a college town. I've had a couple of guys where I saw us potentially having a future, but they either ghosted or, turned out just to be a friend. The last guy I talked to that I was serious with, I was so into, and it just all ended within the blink of an eye and I felt absolutely miserable. He was such a kind guy, good looking, had a lot in common with me, but you know, it was a guy I met on Bumble, didn't expect too much out of it.

I still think about that guy to this day, don't know why... I don't know if it just brings me comfort to think about a nice guy like him and hopes guys in my town are like that? I don't expect any guy to be like Troy Bolton and I'm his Gabriella Montez, that's a far reach (Although, who wouldn't want to call Troy Bolton their man?).

The thought of being in a relationship is scary, yet, exciting to me. I think I would be an overall happier person if I had a boyfriend; I wouldn't be stuck in the house as much as I am, I would have someone to go hang out with, someone to talk to every day, someone to share common interests with, etc. I think it's because I'm not a super outgoing person, but I know I'm not alone in that struggle. The thought of a relationship can be scary to those who fear commitment, and it all could stem from various reasons. I know friends have been scared to date because of past relationships ruining trust, passion, love, etc., so at the same time, I don't really feel scared about being in a relationship?

I know the right guy will come with time, and me being more social; Just takes the effort from me and the guy, but, it's summertime, who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.