I'm not sure where I took the wrong turn to end up here. To this place of loneliness, depression, anger, self-destruction. How did my chosen road of happiness shift to this place? I wish I could put the blame on someone else, and often times I try to. To be able to say it's not my fault, why I am the way I am. But, I think in reality I would have ended up here at some point, somehow. I think everyone gets to a point where all they want to do is die in a hole throughout their life. That's where I'm at, at least. And maybe that's a tad cynical to say that absolutely EVERYONE gets to a place similar to mine at one point or another, but it makes me feel a little better if I do. It comforts me to think that I'm not the only one to feel so broken all the time. 

There's been a trend in my life I've noticed within the past 7(ish) months, where right when I feel okay in myself and I know what I want, something comes along to crush me again. And I am so tired of it. It has made me feel like I have absolutely NO control over anything in my life, and that's so f**ked up to me. It is MY life. How did I let myself get to this place? Why did I ever make it so easy to destroy myself? The past month I have continually felt like I have lost mind goddamn mind. I have no control over what happens to me anymore. I have no idea who I can truly trust and depend on, in ways that fill up my soul. I don't know myself anymore. What makes me genuinely happy? What kind of career will make me happy, while also keeping me from being really poor? Who am I without the people I've lost along the way here? Do I even know myself anymore? Am I okay with who I am right now? For me, that answer is no. If your answer is yes, I am so, so happy for you. Because I want to be there. I am not okay, and I am over pretending to be okay all the time. I am over not being able to love myself. I have spent so much time loving other people and making sure that they're okay, that I forgot about myself. I forgot about the one person I literally HAVE to take care of and live with. 

I always thought self love was kind of stupid, and I'm not sure why. There's nothing wrong with loving yourself, what possible cons are there to it?? (If you think of any please let me know, I'm curious what people think) When I was younger I definitely held onto the misconception that someone else's love was enough to fill your soul up for the rest of your life, if they're truly "the one". And after getting my heart broken multiple times by multiple people, my beliefs shifted to believing that "the one" doesn't exist. We as people evolve so many times throughout our lives that I think it's impossible to have only one true soul-mate. And then I met my person. And now he's gone, for the the foreseeable future. I'm not going to go into any more detail about him and what happened, because that's not the point of this. 

The point is: people are right when they say you have to be able to love yourself before you can really love anyone else. You can't love someone enough to fix them, or show them they need help, or anything else of the sort. Which sucks so much. I never knew it could feel so awful, honestly. 

But I also realized throughout my time with my person, I still never really felt okay within myself. I felt confident and accepted and sexy (for once) and it was so nice to know that someone out there thinks those things of me. I guess it was more of a realization that I can be confident, and accepted, sexy and so much more without anyone else around. Just for myself. So now, that's what I'm trying to focus on. Doing things for myself. Loving myself as much as I love my person. Because at the end of the day, you are all you have. You are the one you absolutely have to live with (unless you die and tbh I don't want to do that so let's go with it). I haven't been able to love myself or forgive myself for the things I've done and gone through, but I'm ready to make the change. I have to make a change if I want to survive my thoughts in my head and live the life I want. 

So, if you're looking for a sign that things will get better and life will go your way, this is not it. 

This is a sign to say: you are worthy self love, no matter what. and you will need it in order to survive this cruel world. 

This is for me.