I've been a waitress for quite a few years now so I have a vast amount of experience dealing with the human population. From the locals, to the campers, to the travelers, to those who are lost, all the way to the celebrities, if there is one thing they all have in common it is dumb questions. The kind of questions that take every ounce of restraint from laughing out loud. The buck doesn't just stop at dumb questions, there are certain arrangements of words that make me want to shout to the universe, "you've got to be effing kidding me right now!" I think the number one thing I have found to be is true is that it really takes all kinds of kinds.

1. "What's on a mushroom-swiss burger?"

It's obviously onions and provolone, why even ask?

2. "Ew. I didn't realize your potato salad would actually have potatoes!"

*crickets* What the lady meant was she didn't realize our potato salad had chunks of potato in it, but since ours is homemade that's unavoidable. I guess next time she'll order the macaroni salad?

3. "Does your porch have air conditioning?"

Well seeing as how it's an open porch that would kind of defeat the purpose. If you wanted air conditioning you probably should've sat inside.

4. "Do you have any longer forks? I have very long fingers."

Now I'm not admitting to bringing the customer back an identical fork, but I'm not denying it either. She accepted the "longer" fork, so...

5. "What kind of cheese is in your mozzarella sticks?"

The kind of cheese that is in our mozzarella sticks is pepper-jack, thanks for asking.

6. "Yea, I didn't like my meal, can you take it off my bill?"

That's why you ate three-fourths of it, right?

7. "This brisket is so dry I can barely eat it, please take it off my bill. Also, I want a to-go box."

How about you just stop talking before I charge you extra for wasting my time. Okay? Okay.

8. "These ribs are so tough and chewy, how dare you serve me this."

Sweetie, I've been watching you try and eat the cartilage of the rib for the past two minutes, so bless your heartand how dare you insult BBQ.

9. "Oh no, I can't wait for you to make a pot of coffee, I'm leaving!"

Don't let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya; you were probably a shitty tipper anyway.

10. "I'm gluten-free so make sure it's grilled chicken on my salad, oh and can I have a loaf of bread?"

As someone who medically cannot eat gluten, I hate you. As a waitress, I hate you. Basically I hate you.

11. *Walks into drink and salad station* "Is this the bathroom?"

It sure is! If you have to pee use a cup! If it's number two, please go around back!

12."What's on a BLT?"

Bologna, lemons, and tofu that is what makes up a BLT.

There are days when I wonder whether or not I belong in the service industry, but I take comfort in knowing that I've kept my thoughts in my head so far. There are days I question my intelligence, but at least I know what kind of cheese is in a mozzarella stick. Most days however, I wonder if the U.S education system is actually doing its job, and based on some of the cases above, I'm not so sure it is.