To “The Girl Who Always Wanted To Ask You, ‘What About Me?"

I can’t speak for every single person with a disability because that isn’t my place. I can, however, speak to my experience as a person with a disability who has an older sibling who isn’t disabled. I'm here to listen to what you have to say and to listen to your feelings, which are completely valid. You have a right to feel what you feel, but I'm also here to tell you that your thinking is contributing to the societal perpetuation of validating the oppressor over the oppressed. The many tears you have shed over the experiences you've had in relation to your sister, they are tears of the privileged.

Why did people surround your sister and sympathize with your parents at the barbecue? Why did they run past you "to the more interesting child?" First of all, don't perpetuate the showcasing of people with disabilities. We aren't an exhibit for people to stare at. We're human beings. The people who ran to your sister while ignoring you, they didn't sympathize, they pitied. Do you know what it's like to be pitied? If you did, then you wouldn't blame your sister for the fact that you didn't get attention. If you knew what it was like to be pitied, then you wouldn't say that your sister "robbed" you of your childhood. Because by saying that, you are asking to be pitied.

My sister was about two years old when I was born. She too was surely excited to have someone to play with, fight with, cry with and talk with. And unlike you, she got that. But she also got someone to love and someone to love her. But there was one condition, I'm not exactly what my family probably hoped for. I have a disability that affects me both mentally and physically. I was diagnosed when I was pretty young and it has affected my family in some ways more than others.

My disability isn't as severe as many cases are. I can walk, I can talk, and I can almost pretend I don't have a disability, which I did for a long time because of people who would say things like you are. I pretended that I was normal because I was so sick of the looks, the pity, the "Oh, poor child, she will never *fill in the blank*." Now, I'm finally embracing it, and I understand why it makes me who I am today. Just like you are handling your feelings, I'm handling mine. I'm learning how to be empowered by this rather than shamed, and I won't let people like you tear me down. And to be honest, you pose this threat because as a child with a disability, as soon as I saw your article I reached out to my sister and said "Is this me?", "Is this how you felt?" And she said, "Yeah, sometimes. But, I understand." I know this is different with you, because you can't tell your sister how you feel, and you can't hear how she feels. But I can tell you how I feel, as a person with a disability, and as someone with a sibling who doesn't have a disability. And I can tell you where exactly you're out of line as someone who doesn't have a disability: because youdon't know what it's like to be on the other side. I do.

If you want us to "stop being angry at you for how you feel" then you need to consider how it must feel to read something like this as a person with a disability, and as a person who has a sibling who doesn't. I'm not angry because your feelings are valid. I will say that over and over again. But I will also say that I'm hurt because you don't have the right to blame your sister and you don't have the right to shame me back into the corner where I hid my whole life. You don't have a right to tell me that you need to be validated because I refuse to validate someone who is shaming me.

I can't tell you how hard it is to be the sibling of someone with a disability because I'm the one with a disability. I don't take issue with your relationship or your feelings. No, I take issue with your public outcry of "What about me?" and how you want the focus to be pulled to you. You say, "why did nobody ever ask how this affected me?". They were too busy fretting over your sister, they were too busy pretending to care about her. They didn't have to pretend to care about you because you are perfectly fine.

You might be selfish, and you might be cold. But you're not a monster. You're just a person with privilege and you're not accepting it. Instead, you're crying privileged tears hoping someone will see you. Well, I see you. I hear you. I understand, yet I cannot praise you for opening up because I am on the other side of it and I know this thinking that doesn't deserve praise. Your feelings are valid, but expressing them in this public way, waiting for the apologies and sympathetic looks to come your way, isn't appropriate. I cannot give you the sympathy and the pity that you want because to do that, I would have to erase my feelings, my experience, to give you what you need. And I won't do that ever again.