Actually, These 6 Marriage Traditions That Are Not Fundamentally Sexist

Actually, These 6 Marriage Traditions That Are Not Fundamentally Sexist

You may not care about tradition, but many women do.
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I recently read an article titled 6 Marriage Traditions That Are Fundamentally Sexist and I immediately thought, “who is so feminist that they’re going to attack something as sacred as marriage?” I understand some people don’t appreciate a classic wedding, but there’s no need to go to such extremes as to write an article about how “sexist” weddings can be.

Let’s start where the original author started:

1. Asking the father for permission

I’m glad you agreed that this is a sign of respect, but I have to argue with you when you state that it’s “only” because women were historically owned by men.

Yes, it played a part that the father was the bread-winner for the family and therefore held most of the power when deciding who his daughter married, but it’s mainly a sign of respecting the father to ask instead of essentially telling him “I don’t care what you think, it’s happening.” In fact, this seemingly antiquated tradition is becoming more frequent in people who are getting married modern-day.

An article on The Washington Post stated, “Today’s modern bride and groom are more mature, and often have a greater respect for marriage being the merging of two families, and therefore feel it’s appropriate, and a polite gesture, to get the green light from those closest to the bride before he pops the question”

I find this to be a much more positive way of looking at asking the father of the bride than simply “women are owned by men”. It’s just respectful. The merging of two families is important, and I believe the man should ask the parents before he proposes to show respect for them and their daughter. I would want my future husband to ask my father. I do believe, however, that they should ask both the mother and the father. That’s just my opinion, though!

I also want to point out that the bride doesn’t ask the groom’s family because… duh… he’s the one asking for her hand in marriage. Not the other way around.

2. The father “giving away” his daughter.

I’d like to say that I find it heartless you state this “represents little to nothing in modern-day culture.” This is one of the most heart-wrenching, beautiful traditions and you basically sh*t all over it. You also tie in abuse somehow which has nothing to do with marriage and I’m pretty confused about the whole thing but whatever. In any case, how dare you suggest that the father “giving away” the bride is a sexist and horrible tradition? I’m sorry about your daddy issues but I can’t wait for my father to give me away at my wedding.

Shame on you for disrespecting that.

3. The bride walking down the aisle.

What even is your argument against this one? You don’t like the way the groom cries in happiness as his bride walks down the aisle to him? Or… what, you don’t like the idea that everyone looks at the bride in happiness as she approaches the man she loves?

You’re finding things to hate for no reason.

4. White dress.

I agree that in the past the white dress symbolized a woman’s purity. Sure, it’s a little sexist because of the belief that a woman should be pure but it doesn’t matter for a man. I do want to say, however, that no one really thinks like that anymore and saying “I won’t wear a white dress because I’m a feminist” is a little sad, and no one really cares. If you don’t want to wear white, that’s all fine and dandy, but you’re just being obnoxious for no reason.

5. Taking the man's last name.

If you don’t want to take your husband’s last name, that’s fine. More and more people are doing it in the modern-day or doing things like hyphenating their names. That’s fine for some people, but for other traditional girls, we can’t wait to take the name of our husband. It’s so exciting for some of us, and I’m sorry you don’t feel the same way.

6. “You may now kiss the bride.”

Yes, I suppose this can be seen as sexist or whatever people find to complain about. It’s also one of the most sacred points of a marriage ceremony. I don’t see it as an act of “dominance” or “ownership,” I see it as more of a “You are lucky enough to kiss your bride and seal this sacred bond between two people.” Maybe I’m just conservative in my views on marriage, but I find this act so beautiful and I don’t find it sexist or horrible like you do.

I’m sorry that you can look at something as beautiful as marriage and see something so ugly. I can only imagine how hard it is to go around seeing things in a negative light instead of a positive one. I encourage you to live the life you please but recommend you don’t smash the traditions so many of us still cherish and love.

Cover Image Credit: The Daily Signal

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I'm That Girl With A Deep Voice, But I'm Not Some Freak Of Nature

I have learned to hold back tears when someone tells me that I sound like a man.

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My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. I joke that rather than getting higher, my voice got lower throughout puberty.

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. I have learned to laugh when my family members say "Hi Todd" when they pick up the phone when I call. Todd is my brother. I am a girl.

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. I have learned to laugh when I have been asked by other females if they're "in the right bathroom" when I tell them "I'm not in line" or "someone's in here" when there's a knock on the stall.

Keep in mind that in most female bathrooms, there are no urinals present and there is a sign outside the door that says "WOMEN." Quite obviously, they're in the correct bathroom, just thrown off by the octave of my voice.

For the girl who asked me if she was in the right bathroom because she was "caught off guard and thought I was a boy," I'm just wondering...

What part about my long hair, mascara, shorts not down to my knees, presence (small presence, but a presence none the less) of boobs, and just my overall demeanor was not enough validation that you are, in fact, in the correct restroom?

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. I have learned to hold back tears when someone tells me that I sound like a man. Or, when someone calls me over to talk to their friends so they can see how "offsetting" my voice sounds to them.

My favorite story is when I was in a store, and I asked one of the women there a question about a product.

This woman had the audacity to ask me when I "went through my transformation."

She was suggesting that I was a transgender girl because of the sound of my voice. Please recognize that I respect and wholeheartedly accept the trans- population. Please also recognize that I was born a girl, still am a girl, always will be a girl, and asking someone if they are a different gender than they appear to be is not the best way to make a sale.

Frustrated, I told her that she should find a better plastic surgeon and walked out.

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be.

And, to make matters worse, I am not your typical "girly-girl."

I die for the New York Rangers, have maybe two dresses in my closet but three shelves full of hand-me-down sweatshirts from my brother and Adidas pants. I do not own a "blouse" nor do I plan on owning one except maybe for business-casual occasions.

Naturally, when a deep voice is paired with a sports-oriented, athletic short-loving, sarcastic girl who couldn't tell you the difference between a stiletto and an average high-heel, I GUESS things can seem "off." However, regardless of the difference you see/hear, no one has the right to make someone feel bad about themselves.

What I always struggled with the most is how (most, moral, common-sense) people will never tell someone they don't know, who may be overweight, that "they're fat" or that they don't like the shirt that they're wearing. Yet, because my voice is not something physically seen, it has become fair game for strangers and acquaintances alike to judge and make comments about.

I used to break down into hysterics when I heard a comment about my voice, whether I was six years old or seventeen years old.

There are times that I still do because I am so fed up and just completely bamboozled by the fact that at the age of twenty, there are still people who just have a blatant disregard for others' feelings and a lack of understanding of what is okay to say and what is not okay to say.

But, just like I ask those people not to judge me, I suppose I can't judge them on their lack of common sense and respect for others.

I'd be lying if I said that the hundreds of thousands of comments I've heard and received targeted at my voice growing up did not play a role in my life. I used to want to be a sports broadcaster. I no longer want to be heard on the radio or seen on TV; snarky comments about my voice being one of the reasons why (among others, like a change of interest and just overall life experiences).

I'd be lying if I said that my struggle with public speaking didn't partially stem from negative feedback about my voice.

I'd be lying if I said that there weren't days I tried to talk as little as possible because I didn't want to be judged and that I am sometimes hesitant to introduce myself to new people because I'm scared my voice will scare them away.

I would also be lying if I said that my voice didn't make me who I am.

I joke constantly about it now, because half the shit that comes out of my mouth mixed with my actions, interests, beliefs, etc., would sound absolutely WHACK if I had a high-pitched "girly" voice.

My voice matches my personality perfectly, and the criticism I have and continue to receive for my "manly" sounding voice has helped shaped me into who I am today. I have learned to love my voice when people have relentlessly tried to make me hate it. I have learned to take the frustration I felt towards my voice and turn it into sympathy for those who have something going on in their life, and therefore feel compelled to make a comment about me, a stranger's voice, to make themselves feel better.

I've learned that to laugh at yourself is to love yourself.

And, I say this not for sympathy. Not for someone to say, "Wait, Syd, I love your voice!"

I say this because I want it to be a reminder for people to watch what they say, and use that noggin before you speak. I say this because I also want to be the voice (haha, get it, 'voice') for those who feel like they've lost theirs.

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

So no, I would not be a good alto in a choir because I think I'm tone deaf. And, when you call MY phone number, it is very unlikely that it is my brother or dad answering. Just say hello, because 99.9% of the time, if it's ME you're calling, it's ME that's answering.

Dr. Suess said, "A person's a person no matter how small."

Now I'm saying, "A girl is a girl no matter her octave."

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One Year Later

What a difference a year can make

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This past weekend, my a cappella group had its second performance and the experience I had singing with some of my best friends was like no other. As I reflect on this past weekend, I can't help but think about how different my life is from just one year ago. I thought I'd take some time to unpack the difference a year can make. This week also almost perfectly marks a year since I started writing for Odyssey, so the theme of yearly changes is one that is resonating particularly right now.

Last year, around this time, I was not, in fact, performing with a group I love so much. I was still transitioning to college, struggling to find my place, dealing with "rejections" from things I had wanted so badly to become involved in, the biggest of these being a cappella. During this time, I wrote an article titled, When One Door Closes, Do You Find Another Door Or Knock Again?, which I think fully encompassed how I was beginning to reshape and redefine my experiences of "rejection" as experiences of opportunity, experiences that would push me to create new beginnings for myself and continue to follow my passion.

One year later, and I can confidently say that I am now part of so many groups and organizations on campus, doing things I love.

I think a big part of this shift to finding my place at Villanova was, in fact, Odyssey. I have said this before and I will say it again and again: writing for Odyssey has given me a means to share my voice, to process things going on in my daily life, to unpack the complexities of my emotions and experiences.

Taking on the perspective of a writer has made me more inclined to treat everything in my life as an opportunity to gain new knowledge and to continue to grow.

Looking back on the "rejections" of last year, I realize that I am here today not despite of but because of everything that set me off that first semester, and I think there is something beautiful in the fact that it is because I was turned away from certain programs that I am now a part of what I am.

If I had made an a cappella group first semester or been able to be an LPH for Special Olympics or Sidekick for NOVAdance, would my Freshman year have been any less fruitful? No, of course not. If I had been accepted into any of these programs, I know that I would have grown and gained experiences from them.

However, if all of those things had worked out, would I know what it is like to be create a new a cappella group on campus, would I know the overwhelming feeling of joy one gets when being accepted into a service fraternity after applying a second time?

Would I know the feeling of deep gratitude one gains in knowing that through everything, they can persevere and shape their life as they wish?

I struggle to use the word rejection in this piece because I think it focuses too deeply on the negative. What I ultimately want to voice is that it has been a year of growth, and I am deeply grateful for all the experiences that I have had.

Besides involvement on campus, in the past year, my connections with others have also proven to be a means to grow. One year ago, I was still finding my people on campus. Today, I can say that while relationships will never be perfect, I have a life filled with deep love and connection, that I have friends new and old that I can turn to. At the same time, I have also learned to turn to myself first and foremost.

My relationship with myself is one that I am continually embracing, but this past year especially has urged me to understand my introversion and need for self compassion always.

Going back to my experience of writing for Odyssey, I feel that my Odyssey articles are the epitome of all that made up my Freshman year. All of my articles are based in topics that are very much real and resonating with me at the time, and if I were to open up any article written last year, I could pinpoint the conversation or moment that inspired the article. I love the fact that I now have a means to look back on the essence of my experiences in the past year. Unlike social media platforms which are made up of pre-mitigated posts trying to fit a certain image, using Odyssey as a platform has allowed me to accurately, and I hope authentically, relay the complexities of life.

A lot can happen in a year, readers.

So take a moment to appreciate where you are right now, no matter what has happened, and realize that you have the infinite power to shape your life however you want.

I have no doubt that each of you could write a similar article about the amount you have grown in a year. We all have that capacity. Here's to realizing that sometimes, good things take time, but for the time being, there is still always good all around us.


Talk soon,

Sam


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