Since running for president is apparently the thing all the cool kids are doing, everyone and their grandmother's cat have decided to jump on the bandwagon. In order to make this article a little shorter and more interesting than reading a dictionary, I've taken the liberty to just talk about four candidates from each party - the democrats only have 4 right now (no one cares about you, Jim Webb, so yeah, just 4), so it's only fair. Let's start with the Dem's:

The Donkeys

1). Hilary: Bill will officially get the best job in the country

One of America's favorite playboys will become the first First Man. Ever. How much of a dope job is that? What's that honey? A war might break out? Ooh darn, I've got a lunch with the whiskey distillers' society. Aspiring trophy husbands everywhere will finally have a position to aspire to. Who says dreams don't come true?

2). Bernie: Stoner in Chief

While everyone is all worked up about the idea of an open socialist becoming president, I'm over here wondering how fast that dude can roll one. Come on...a New Yorker that moved to Vermont? You know green is involved. That and lots of ice cream.

3). Martin O'Malley: being able to just put pause on this whole politics thing

Yeah, yeah, O'Malley's not another Clinton and he's not a socialist, so they say we should vote for him, but what about all of us sick of politics? He's so focused on being a centrist/moderate, an O'Malley presidency would literally mean zero change. I'm talking zero. Of anything. Except maybe being the first really, really Irish sounding guy in the White House. If we elect him, we can just chill for 4-8 years, and pick up all of this politics BS later. Sounds like an option worth considering to me.

4). Lincoln Chafee: Greater awareness of a serious problem affecting humanity

What do you get when you have a president with the name Chafee? Sudden concern about butt rashes everywhere, that's what. You thought the ice bucket challenge raised a lot of money? Wait until Americans elect good ol' Chafee as president - other countries around the world will be pouring money into the U.S. for rash research. That's not to mention the boost the U.S. Auto industry will have, what with all the free Lincoln promotion. Chafee 2016 - are politics rubbing YOU the wrong way?

And now for the Grand Old Party:

The Elephants

1). Trump: A massive surge in interest in American Politics

American politics have been boring for years now. It's time to uhh...make them great again. When you have a reality tv show star as president, you might end up starting a war with China and pissing off several minorities, but God...that sh*t will be exciting.

2). Bush: Hawaiian shirts for days

Ever felt sad about the general lack of Hawaiian shirts in pop culture these days? I mean, they pop up here and there, but isn't time for them to make a mainstream come back? Never fear. Besides all the stuff about real life political dynasties and the ensuing game of thrones spinoffs, we need to remember that Jeb can bring life to our old companion, the Hawaiian shirt. This Bush is from Florida, and if anyone knows about gators, trailer parks, and Hawaiian shirts, it's got to be him.

3). Ben Carson: No more need for a surgeon general

Why pay for a surgeon general when you have a guy who comes up with groundbreaking surgical techniques in his free time? Maybe he has no idea about politics, but that's badass. Especially when the taxpayer doesn't have to foot the bill for POTUS's doctor visits. 2nd opinion? Nah, he'll just operate on himself.

4). Scott Walker: Finally a way to stick it to Canada

Canada has been sending those damn geese our way for too long. While their Air Force is pooping all over America, we've never been able to put a stop to it...cause they're too damn nice. Well, no longer. Not only will a Walker presidency give a huge boost to the cheese industry, and be an inspiration for all men with resting dweeb face. But more importantly, with a Walker presidency, you better believe we won't be buying any Canadian maple syrup. No, no, no, Canada. That's all coming from Wisconsin - straight from the backwoods behind Walker's cabin.

See? As long as you think really, really hard about it, every candidate has something to offer. Just keep thinking you're safe Canada, we dare you.