I still have to remind myself, coming home doesn't mean I'll run into you at the store or at some event just to have you mess up my hair like a little sister. Coming home is visiting your grave and reminding myself of your words. Coming home is quieter, emptier than before. There's always an empty space, reserved for you.

You were the first person I told.

You were the first person I told about my suicidal thoughts. You listened as I cried and begged the world to take away my breath. You talked me down when I was on the edge, you are the person who stopped me from self-harm time and time again. You saved me, but I couldn't save you. I got to go on and do things, you got to go in the ground and while that's blunt to say it's the truth. Somehow we both got wings but mine are different than yours.

You had a disease, you were trying to heal.

You were trying to get better for so many years. You hid your pain behind drugs and blacked just to see the light. You were so broken, but somehow I was left with the pieces. You'd be so proud of me for writing this piece because you know life is worth more than an early death and maybe you will live on forever because you saved people. I can still remember your laugh and smile, the way you'd throw your head back even at the dumbest jokes. The way you had fun wherever you went, everyone says they lose an angel when someone dies, but we lost a goofball. I know you didn't believe in heaven or hell and if it's real I know you would've chosen to stay right here on earth and be with us for the years to come. You'd miss kickbacks with the boys and beach sunsets too much, plus the view is better down here. I can just imagine you swinging on some basketball hoop because rules never applied to you, especially now. You were the first to have a comeback to authority, you never cared for what others thought because you were yourself and people loved you for that, I loved you for that.

Every day I find my thoughts drifting to you, how you think and act. If I could just talk to you again if I could just understand. I wish I knew how you would've handled moments that come along, although I know you'd say "fuck them, don't let them get to you". You were always so eloquent with words. I know you'd be so proud of me for chasing my dreams but you'd be so mad I left everyone behind. I promise I'll come back, I promise I'll be there like I should've been there for you.