I grew up in a small, rural town deep in the buckle of the Bible Belt. I was raised in church, went to Christian schools. taught Sunday School, led music during worship services, and was in every aspect of my life considered a devout Christian. My identity was and continues to be interwound with my faith, and as I matured, I decided to wait for sex until marriage. At the time, it was easy for a twelve-year-old, sheltered version of myself to make such a declaration, but I had no idea the weight of this decision and the emotions it would foster.

Throughout my high school years, I had trouble dating. Hardly ever making it past the "talking" phase with anyone, I'd blame it on the guy, deciding they couldn't handle life without sex, and I was better off alone. By sophomore year I had come to the conclusion that all men were pigs, and as graduation neared, I was all but done with the dating scene entirely. My freshmen year of college, however, I was introduced to a whole new world of dating. I dove straight into a major university about an hour from my hometown, and soon began to reevaluate my dating life. I downloaded dating apps, I put myself out there, and boy, were there options at this new school of over 20,000 live bodies. I went on a few horrible dates, and a few great ones, almost got serious with a guy, but the whole abstinence thing got in the way again, and I was at wits end all over again.

With every failed attempt at love, I was sinking deeper into the hole I'd dug for myself. I was questioning my decisions, and struggling to find worth within myself without realizing at all how far away I had fallen from the happy person I once was. Junior year at university, I met a guy on a dating app, and he seemed to be the real deal. He looked great on paper and even better in person. He had a great job as a flight instructor, was well travelled, and seemed genuine- a real unicorn type guy. We went on several dates, and I was considering life as a girlfriend in a new, less hopeless light. I thought, "this is it, I'm finally going to have a relationship of worth. He was a smooth talker and a great kisser and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't close to falling for him, or maybe I already had, I couldn't be sure, but all that fell apart when I told him I was saving myself for marriage.

After that revelation, he never spoke to me again, and the silence cut through my confidence like a knife. I remember sitting in my car crying for two hours not because I missed him, but because I wasn't good enough. The real pain with waiting until marriage is realizing you weren't good enough without sex. You weren't funny enough, pretty enough, you weren't enough without sex. It was like the air had left my lungs, and I couldn't catch my breath after that. I didn't want to talk to anyone, my house fell into disarray, my roommate was worried for my health, and I was broken. I felt unlovable.

I'd love to tell you that this is the part where Prince Charming rushes in, and loves me for me, but that's not how most stories end, and I am no exception. After my life had seemingly fallen apart because of a stupid deal I had made with myself a million years ago, I was talking with my very best friend and she said something I will always remember. It wasn't eloquent, or something you'd find in a poem, and I'm sure a million other people have said it or at least thought it a thousand times over, but it was what I needed when I needed it, and I'm so grateful for her. She said, "you know, sex is just sex, and once you've given that up, there's not much else. They either want you or they don't, and no amount of sex is going to change that." This revelation hit me harder than I realized.

I began to see my life so much clearer, and things were shocking. I had been looking at everything backwards. I was enough for somebody, I was enough for myself. I was enough for my mother's love. I was enough for my friends' love. I was not less than anyone else because I chose to value a real connection with someone over a physical act. I was not unworthy of love. I was not unlovable, and my worth is not defined by a man's ability to love me. I had to love myself before I could accept love from anyone else, and once I realized that, that's when the dating game really changed.