It's going to get real, real fast, people. I entirely and infinitely decline to accept that I am the only one in the universe who has had this experience. The experience of when you are tongue-in-mouth with someone and you can't even tell if you're enjoying it. What is up with that?! And not only do I believe that this is a widespread issue, I believe people don't even KNOW it's an issue for them. So, ladies and gentlemen let me help you out with a few analogies. Because if they're a bad kisser, then that is something that you can help them with, but if you're just not interested, then bruh, stop kissin' and get missin'. And just for a little fair warning, if you truly have never experienced this confusion then it may be time to have a little intervention for yourself and find out what you can do to fix your bad kissing habits.
1. When you're eating french fries and you're just really having trouble accepting that they might actually suck.
You know when you're at a restaurant and the french fries just aren't up to par? Like, you think to yourself, "Hey, these french fries definitely aren't as good as McDonald's french fries," and then you're all disappointed. But, when you go to McDonald's the next day to get their good french fries, everything is wrong. THE FRIES AREN'T AS GOOD AS YOU REMEMBERED. The first few fries are good since they're warm and salty as you imagined, but those Mickey D french fries lose their specialness and all of a sudden they're Caf fries-- nobody wants that. But still, we tend to find ourselves encountering these Caf fries! It's just like kissing! STOP BEING ENABLERS OF THIS ISSUE. It's okay to admit that fries in front of you just really aren't your thing. But it's also cool to say that you really like the fries as a fry just not the way they taste, and in that case you can stick with the same fry and just keep at it! Eventually, you will learn how to properly prepare the fries as you like.
2. Is this roller coaster lame or have I just ridden it too many times?
As a kid I never understood why my mom hated going on roller coasters, she said they made her stomach upset, and as I grew older I guess I was able to understand where she was coming from, but still. I mean like Mom, roller coasters freaking rock! Well maybe not all of them, or just after a certain amount of time of riding them? See, I like roller coasters and I think they are fun, therefore I should ride roller coasters. Whereas my mom doesn't like rollers coasters but knows that they are fun, so it's not that the roller coasters are bad it's just that they don't interest her and she'd prefer something else, like a ferris wheel. However, since I know that I like roller coasters and I know they're fun, if I don't enjoy a roller coaster then chances are that the roller coaster is bad and I can either suggest it be fixed or leave it be. Are you picking up what I'm putting down? It's okay, I'm slow too.
3. Why watch "Fox News" when you can watch "Late Night With Seth Meyers"?
Seriously, I don't even want to say anything else at this point. But I'm going to anyways because I care way too much about this epidemic that is carrying on in many of your lives. IF THE SHOW ISN'T PLEASING IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM THEN WHY WOULD YOU CONTINUE TO WATCH?! Be smart, friends, because it's really not that confusing and I only have one analogy left for you.
4. Oh nuh-uh, ain't nobody bringing home that one-ply toilet paper!
As we come to the end, my lovely readers there is one last claim that you must understand: two-ply is always better than one. Even when you can't remember what it's like to have the comfort of two-ply clear you all up, just remember that it's better. To all the ladies and gentlemen reading this listicle, know that you deserve the quality of Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper, but don't worry there are other brands that can treat you just as well. So if you dread taking your dumps because of your toilet paper, then I say it's time to invest in new toilet paper. I'm really not going to go into more detail with this one.
5. Plain and Simple: If it's not good then, well, it might be bad.
See y'all, sometimes it's just really not right. And sometimes it is, but the situation is just very, very wrong. So, maybe not the simplest, but hey, kinda simple.
