Why Did I Rejoin Winter Guard?

Why Did I Rejoin Winter Guard?

I am beyond lucky to call them "my" team

As many of you do know when I was in high school I did color guard. Color guard is when you spin flags/ weapons during marching band performances. My friend at the time introduced me to Winter Guard which is basically the same thing but only the guard preforming in competitions and it is a little more advanced. Now I knew about winter guard since day one of doing color guard but I decided to do it my senior year, thinking color guard would only be an interest that stayed in high school. But boy was I wrong. Entering college comes with a lot of stress, meaning all of the 1am fast food runs started to prove their point. I started to miss something; something felt like it was missing all the time but I did not know what it was. Currently I am in my second semester at STAC and I realized what it was, it was Winter Guard. I missed it so much I rejoined. The team is called Pegasus Too. The age limit is 21 so I thought to myself; doing this one more time will only make me happier and stronger. I missed performing so much and I wanted the taste of something different yet challenging so I can balance out that missing piece.

Being 20 now you would think I have people around me the same age or older, nope a lot of the girls/guys on the team are younger than me and much more talented in my opinion, even the people who are older much more talented than I. I am a person who admires talent so admiring all of them is just what I do; it makes me feel so honored to be on such a loving team with such loving and talented individuals. Everyone on the team is so amazing I am beyond lucky to call them “my” team. Even after long practices where I am sore and all I want to do is lay down, I just think to myself as I lay down “wow, thanks to color guard I finally feel more complete.”

Growing up getting yelled at was not something I was fond of, in fact I hated it so much I would just ignore the people yelling at me. I never knew anyone who liked getting yelled at so this is not really a surprise to many people. When I entered high school that feeling of people yelling at me did not bother me, the negative feedback I got from adults did not bother me as much as I thought it would. It’s all about having resilience and taking the negative feedback from others and growing. From the constant yelling I got in high school to do better and the similar and less harsh yelling I get at winter guard, I appreciate it. Please, tell me what I did wrong, I want nothing more than to make myself better. Maybe that is why in high school I got the award “most improved” because I only wanted to improve myself instead of not doing anything about it at all. Seeing myself grow in Pegasus once again is making me “relive my youth.” It is making me realize and learn that even if you stopped something for 2 years does not mean the muscles can forget.

A you tuber said this and this saying caught my attention and it is something that I relate too. “I do not have one talent that I am perfect at; I have many small talents that I am mediocre with so it looks like I am well-rounded.” It sounds pretty demeaning, but it is something that I shockingly admire, I am not perfect at color guard meaning it is not a huge major talent of mine, but I do have that as one of my many small talents that I am okay at and that is okay with me.

I am so happy I rejoined winter guard once again; it makes me a better person and makes me look forward to things. I am very thankful for that, excited for this season to be in full effect!

Cover Image Credit: Pinterest

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black-and-white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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Internet outraged at Delhi Aunty for Sl*t Shaming

Public outrage - justified or an overreaction?


When the topic of sexual violence against women arises, women are often held responsible - because of how they dress, or how they behave, or even if they have a voice. A recent incident in Delhi showed that the mindset of people has not changed. In a video posted by Shivani Gupta, a middle-aged woman is seen defending her claim, "Women wearing short dresses deserve to be raped."

This backward mentality surrounding rape and rape culture is horrifying to see. The middle-aged woman first shamed them for wearing short clothes and when she was confronted, she told them "they deserved to get raped." She made things worse when she told other men in the restaurant to rape such women who wear short clothes.

Shivani and her friends later confronted this woman while taking the video. They wanted a public apology for her statement and followed her around. The older woman stood by her statement. Fair enough. They felt threatened by her statements and wanted an apology for her actions. The older lady, however, was brazen about her ideologies and refused to apologize. In fact, she threatened to call the cops for harassment.

The woman who made the regressive statements. Shivani Gupta

While the anger and outrage by the women who uploaded this video are justified, several questions are being raised on whether the older woman was later harassed for her statements. Public shaming is not the way to solve this issue.

"We cannot dismantle a culture of shaming by participating in it." - Rega Jha.

Now, I believe that nobody must engage in victim shaming. Nobody has the right to police the outfit one wishes to wear. It is astonishing to believe that even in the 21st century, people still believe that an outfit determines the morality and character of a person. That older woman was wrong to sl*t-shame the girls for wearing what they want. That being said, even though what that woman did was horrible, public shaming will not work. It will not change the mindset behind these ideologies. What that older woman did was akin to bullying. Publicly shaming her, stalking her facebook account or posting comments or by coercing her, you are also behaving in the same manner of bullying.

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