Today, I am writing this because I am hurt, confused and inspired. As you can tell I am a student of Mount Holyoke College, meaning I am looking forward to my four years of life in a wonderful community to equip myself with all that it takes to become an aspiring woman leader. Not that I think I can never be any of this without MHC, I just wouldn't be willing to see a life without having the name Mount Holyoke College by my accomplishments. You can already probably tell how much emotionally invested I am, so here is why my visa application rejection hurts so much:

I am a first generation college student who is a proud daughter of two amazing parents who came this far with just one family business. My father had built our business in auto parts import from scratch with little education and a thousand dollars in capital. Talking about the financial, mental and emotional instability/crisis of either of my parents' families would take a book or two. But just imagine a typical third world country's unprivileged family with barely any education and full of superstitions, and you would have read about half of their lives. The other half had hopes, aspirations which started and surrounded by me and my older sister.

My mother had my sister when she was barely 17 and she had me when she was 20. She taught us to dream and to have patience where as my father taught us how to be a good person having generosity, empathy and courage even without articulating things in the way I am doing now with my little expertise. Our relationship grew over our achievements, together. Each of our good happenings lightened up our mood like nothing else. It was as if we were there holding the ladder when it's time to climb for the other even with very little ground beneath. We persisted. The dark times blinded almost about everyone which are slowly fading away from my memories.

I got myself admitted to one of the renowned girls' school of Dhaka in 2004, I changed my version of study to English before middle school and after grade 10 when I successfully secured the best result for S.S.C, I had felt I needed a challenge so I shifted to A levels under EDEXCEL. The struggles of these phases are predictable to all, mine was definitely multiplied given my circumstances. I was going places unfathomable for my parents. But they believed, I was able to come this far, what in a few more steps?

My sister had secured a spot in the same school as I by the time she was in grade 8, studied there for 4 years and made into a private university for studying B.B.A. And after leaving the comfortable life of a well-known school, I was exploring, preparing and learning from a huge spectrum of accessible programs, people and knowledge that was laid out to me in my 3 years of life after grade 10. I debated, painted, read, learned, watched, worked and observed the world that was around me and I wanted to be a bigger part of it. I wanted to grow my skills, have knowledge that will let me conquer and break any glass ceilings a girl would have in a male dominated and conservative country because I was done getting out of the most underprivileged cycle of life.

I knew I had a dream that needed to be executed only when I was ready, so I prepared myself for the ever so daunting application process for an undergraduate studies in the U.S.A. And why not? I was always into genetics and seeing the high demand in our country, lack of man power and scope to learn different concentration of bio technology (like: neurogenetics) only strengthened my dream of pursuing it in my undergraduate studies abroad. Mount Holyoke College was just one of the most preferred ones, given it is a small but beautiful community and the access to countless courses through the five college consortium, hence my interest to do an Early Decision Application. But I gave my best even in the regular decision phase, being extra careful about this one college that affected me so deeply to have the need to be a part of it. You can say I don't dream big but you could have changed your opinion if you had been a part of my life. More than the best ranks, I needed the best community to help me guide myself because not having one for the future steps has always been a fear. I am not ashamed to say that I didn't have the best of guides because I had enough to go where I can have the rest. My incessant need to make a change in my life and the people around me so that it gets a little better at the end of the day kept me going through it all.

My bottomless well of support, my parents have been ensuring me the finances to keep all of it alive to this day. I still remember how ecstatic I had felt when I got my decision letters and particularly the morning I saw that "The answer is, YES!" in the MHC portal, I was uneasy about the financial contribution but my parents made it all possible for me.

And there I went for the second step, the visa application, ignorant and unprepared for the brutality of the system for unacquainted hearts. I made my application for a US visa with my family in a rush between my A level exams. I wanted my family to see me step into the most important phase of my life. And then it became a little too scary as I was provided with the ground zero card from my first rejection for a U.S visa. I was surprised at the brutality that day, experiencing the way they butcher the innocent dreams but I stood strong. In between the blame game in my family, I finished with my A levels exam and finally prepared to face the biggest fear, the second after a round of being unaware, alone.

I returned to my home after answering three questions and with a heart full of awe and denial. Rejected. But they are just doing their job. I am not sure of my next step, there is not much I can do about this now that I don't believe in luck. This is surely a blurred fragment of the story of my life and it will fade. However, I can't help but wonder, should it?