Fake it until you make it. That was my motto some years ago. However, I never understood what it was doing to me. I never wanted to openly share this one section of my life, along with some others, but I've carried it entirely too long. Let's do it.

Like I've said before, everyone has dealt with whatever they have dealt with in life. Your pains and struggles are tailored to you as an individual. I was overweight at a young age and everyone around me made it known. They loved to joke about it. Unfortunately, it wasn't funny and I never had the voice to stand up for myself. The insults came from everywhere, from family to strangers. I was the kid who people went to find when they needed to feel better. I never learned how to deal with it or get rid of the memories. That totally rewired how I thought about people. I didn't know to respond to it. Being so young, I took everything literally and truly believed that's how people felt about me. I believe it was in second grade when my first suicide thought crossed my mind. I just wondered if that was the better option. I was slowly losing control of my life and people clearly didn't like me, so why not just do everyone a favor and just remove the issue, right?

It always stayed in the back of my head, but it minimized as I got a little older. The bullying started slowing down and I learned to ignore it a little bit, so things got a little better. Then, something that no one could plan happened when I was in seventh grade. November 17th, I believe it was. I'll never forget the day. I just got a starting spot on my middle school football team. I usually took the bus home from school, but, for some reason, my dad decided to get my aunt to pick me up from school. It made absolutely no sense to me, but I didn't care.

My aunt picked me up and took me to my grandma's house, where she lived at the time. The normal routine for me over there was to eat and get on the computer. This was back in the days of when AIM was still popular. My aunt and grandmother were watching some news report about a little kid who got hit by a bus on TV. I was more focused on the computer. Going through AIM, talking to people, and reading away messages, and I got to my cousin's away message and it said something to the point of: "Come on Markus, you have to make it!" Immediately, I called him and asked what he was talking about. Over the phone, at my grandma's house, I found out that the story about the boy who I was currently watching on TV was actually about my little cousin.

Clearly, I had so many emotions. I was so angry with so many people. How could my grandma and aunt sit there, watch this in front of me, and tell me that everything was OK? Why didn't anyone tell me? I have some of the worst trust issues because of that. The next thing that I knew, I was back into the depression. However, this time, it was 10 times worse than what I had dealt with when I was younger. A few weeks later, my dad's uncle Jerry passed. He was sick for almost two years. I was happy that he finally boarded that plane to heaven. He had suffered so long, I was just happy to know that his pain was gone. Soon after that, my mom's aunt Glenda Passed away. A boxer couldn't throw a combination at me that could hurt me more than that six month span did. I thought that I was alright and I acted like it, but little did I know that I was falling apart. Through all of this, I taught myself to not show or speak about any emotions that I had. I also taught myself that it is never about me. That was the best and worst thing that I could have done. For the moment, it was smart, but the aftermath was terrible. I still can't gauge if I'm doing anything right. Everything that I do is a failure in my eyes. This breaks me down mentally so often that I sometimes revert back to old habits of doing bad things to myself.

The hardest thing I have ever had to deal with was what happened to me and my dad. However, I won't get into the story here because it's a long one. If you want to know, just let me know and I'll tell you all about it. The night when it happened was one that I couldn't get my head around and I don't think that I have ever gotten over it or that I am OK with it even to this day. I think that the one thing that had the greatest negative effect on me was that I was never checked on him. It may sound selfish, but I think that is a very underestimated thing.

I have dealt with depression for a long time. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts for a very long time. I've put some work into thinking a little more positively and shortening my negative thoughts so that I don't dwell on them. I'm almost a year from my last attempt. Depression is beatable. I have done it. It's not an easy fight in the slightest, but it is one that can be won.

I plan on putting this experience to use. I try to be put into positions where I can be utilized as an outlet for people who are dealing with anything like this. I'm very comfortable talking about this topic, so if anyone wants to have a conversation about it, I would love to do it.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things." - Philippians 4:8

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