I am a Democrat raised by Republicans in the Republican-leaning state of Texas. For as long as I have been old enough to have opinions of my own, I have been surrounded by people who disagree with them.
When I was younger, I believed, as most children do, what my parents believed. In 2004, when I was in second grade and President Bush was up for re-election, my friends and I would sit at the lunch table and chant, “John Kerry is hairy and scary!” because the adults we knew supported Bush, and we didn’t think to question it.
A few months later, after the victory went to Bush, I laid in bed with my grandparents and watched Kerry give his final speech. For the first time, I actually heard him speak. To my utmost surprise, I liked him. As the crowd applauded, I sat back and felt surprised and guilty and confused all at once. And then it dawned on me that word-of-mouth, even if it came from the mouth of a grown-up I idolized, wasn’t enough.
It took years for that guilt to become a separate political affiliation, and to be honest, I’m not sure that the two are directly connected. I do know one thing: I grew up, and I am now among the many millennials who avoid politics around their families at all costs.
But this election is different, because this election is being called the most important, the most polarizing, and the highest-stake of our lifetimes. People are scared. People are angry. People imagine January’s inauguration with dread. And when people feel these things, they turn to the ones they love most.
And yet, I love and am loved the most by people who strongly disagree with me on several of these fronts. I can’t change them, and they can’t change me. We’ve both tried. The next few months will not be easy for those of us in a split-party household.
Welcome to my survival guide for the worst election cycle to ever hit your dinner table.
How to Survive a Fight:
- Take a deep breath. No matter the path you choose from here, that breath is crucial. You need to go in calm.
- Try to shut it down. Sometimes, it really is as easy as a light and humorous, “Dad, seriously?” I get that you don’t think those opinions are funny, and that you don’t think anything about the situation is funny. But if you want to avoid a fight, you are going to have to be responsible for steering the conversation clear of volatile water. You. Nobody else.
- Change the subject. It can be abrupt. Do what you need to do in order to reiterate: you are not going to talk about politics.
- Be prepared for it not to work. Because, sometimes, things don’t go according to plan; and because, sometimes, you can’t stay quiet.
- Stay calm. This is the hardest part, because politics aren’t just politics: they’re personal. This is your country, your future, and your rights, all at stake, and keeping your emotions out of your argument might feel next to impossible. After all, you’re arguing with the people who taught you how to feel. But it is possible. Let your logical side take the lead, and truly treat this like a debate. Try to learn and to teach.
- Admitting pain is not admitting loss. Let's say you couldn’t stay calm. You tried, but you couldn’t, and now you feel wrecked and angry and desolate. Maybe you’re about to cry, or you already are. You don’t need to hold your tears back. At this point, the conversation will probably run its course.
- Discuss how you felt. Later, try to point out what that conversation did to you as a family unit. Everyone is hurting, everyone is angry: was it all really worth it?
- Force yourself to say, “I love you,” even if, in the moment, you’re not sure you mean it, and no matter how much you choke on the words. You need to say them, and you need to hear them: the only person you can count on to keep polarizing political views from harming your family relationships is you.
How to Respond to Feeling Like a Disappointment:
- Stand your ground. You don’t deserve to be bullied for what you believe in.
- Don’t Lie about your political affiliations. Your family will probably find out, and you will have wasted a lot of energy for nothing. Letting them know your party preference might also save you from hours of listening to viewpoints that you can’t stand.
- Be proud. Hey, you’re a free thinker! If anything, growing up surrounded by one opinion and managing to formulate another suggests that you can come to your own conclusions. Good for you.
How to Deal With “Conversion Efforts”:
They want to color you red, and you’d rather they be blue. It goes both ways.
- Respond with a, “No, thank you,” and move
on. - For the cases wherein this doesn’t work, see: How to Survive a Fight.
How to Defend your Family:
- Don’t let people generalize. If you hear the phrase, “All Republicans/ Democrats are pure evil,” don’t let it slide. Let the speaker know that you disagree, and explain why.
- Defend the people, not the opinions. You don’t have to fight for something you completely disagree with: you’ll hate doing it, and appear flaky at the same time.
- Be firm. Make it clear that the distinction between people and their politics matters to you.
In the end, remember: this is your family. Mine raised me, and I share their DNA, but yours might look different. Whoever your family is, however they look, and however they became yours, they love you more than anything in the world. Love them back.
Galvanize the world, but love your family back.
