…I believe that the first step is forgiveness. Whether you care enough to accept it is beyond my control, but at least I know I put it out there for you…

Hello again,

I addressed you before. You probably don’t remember because it was months ago. Maybe you never even saw the first letter. Who cares. It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t. I thought I had said everything I wanted to. About all the good and all the bad. But months have passed and a lot has changed. Surprisingly, for the better. I never thought things could get better. The road always looked so dark, you know. I never thought there would be a light at the end of this tunnel, but slowly it is beginning to appear. I thought I would come back (as I will in the future to update you some more) and tell you what’s been going on.

First things first, I’ve started school again. I’m back into the swing of things and I am liking everything. I have already gotten to teach twice in just three weeks I have been back and I felt great about it. I figured you would like to know that I am improving as a future educator. Maybe you don’t care, but it is important to me.

I’ve also begun therapy. Probably a shocker to you that I need professional help. The feelings got too much I guess. Everything bottled up for so many years. But I have grown a lot since my first session. I still have episodes of depression and anxiety all the time. But they don’t last as long. Maybe a day or two. It’s nice not having weeks on end of a horrible mood anymore.

I think this is the one you would be most excited about: I met a girl. She is absolutely amazing. I look forward to the times I get to see her and miss her greatly when she isn’t around. She is an awesome person and is such a looker that beautiful is not a strong enough word to describe her. She is the first person I’ve opened up to about having feelings. Normally, I would have just let everything fizzle out. Never acted on anything. But, I have become a more confident person. So, I made sure I wouldn’t let this slip. Things have been going well between us, I think, and my hopes are high! (Now, there is something I don’t ever say!)

Sometimes, I get some time to myself to just think. I try not to do it often, my therapist says to not trust my thoughts. But every now and again, I give in. I wonder if you ever think of me. Do you ever think of all that I have done? Or all that I will do? Do you wonder how I’m doing? I wonder what you would say if I ever got to talk about my last letter to you, with you. What would your reaction be? Could you accept how I feel? How does it make you feel?

So many questions burn in my mind. They long for answers they are never going to receive. I know how you are. You will never be able to give me the answers I want. Maybe I could never give answers you want. Eventually, one of us will not be here any longer. The feelings shall be put into the earth and life will continue. The realist in me sees this. You will never give me what I need. And that is fact. But the idealist and the dreamer inside of me. They like to hope that one day, before one of us returns to the earth, I can talk to you. I can know what you think and feel about everything, and you can know how I think and feel. I like to hope that you will see what you have done, the hurt you caused, and the bridges you’ve burned. However, my mind knows you never will.

I do not have much more to tell you, except this: for the past three or four months I have been rebuilding my spiral of dominoes. I am building everything back, maybe one day I will reach the first domino and stand it back up again. But until then, I need to step back and look at what I have rebuilt so far. Let me tell you, the creation is looking amazing.

Until the next time I need to talk,

Nick