When I was four years old I lost my dad. The reality of losing a parent is messy, it's sad, it's infuriating, and most of all it's unfair. Unfair that it happened and it will be a reality for the rest of your life. Unfair in the fact that you have to continue to live your life, when sometimes it's not the easiest. Unfair in the fact that you didn't ask for this. However another reality is learning to grow, not giving up, accepting that it's okay to be sad, and accepting that it's okay to be mad. Learning that you are a strong individual, despite what has happened. Learning that even though it is unfair, it is not the end of your own life. And lastly, learning that losing a parent means waking up and trying to make the most of the days that you have left.

In a conservative, Christian town in West Michigan, uttering the words that your father had taken his life was unacceptable. It wasn't something you talked about; in fact if anything it was a secret. However, one thing you have to do when you've lost a parent, is explain it to everyone. Some people are confused, some are upset, some are insensitive, and most just say, "Sorry for your loss". Growing up this never really bothered me, if anything I didn't want it to be a secret, it was just a reality of life. I for sure wasn't going to go out in the middle of the street and shout out what happened, but I didn't want it to be something I was ashamed of. When you have already grieved for sixteen years explaining that your parent is "passed away/deceased" is easier than expected. Although the reaction that I receive isn't always the easiest, as people are usual more uncomfortable than I am.

Nevertheless a reality of losing a parent is the fact it's going to make people uncomfortable and you're going to have to deal with it. The minute I decided that it wasn't a secret it eased the grief. Again I don't explain the intimate details to everyone I meet, but if asked how my father died... it's okay to explain. The death of my father is one detail in his entire life. He was also a sailor, he was a runner, he was a math major, he went to the same college as me, he was in choir, and many of his friends have said that he was the kindest person they have ever met.

Another reality of losing a parent is that you will have to go through the grief process your entire life. You will question what part of you, you got from your mom and what you got from your dad. Even though I might have a causal approach when explaining that my parent passed away, the pain of losing a parent will never go away. I wonder how my life would have been different with him there. I wish he was there for my graduation, my high school cross country meets, my prom photos, and my wedding. I get angry, I get sad, I question whether he really loved me, whether or not he would have been a good father, whether I would have been a good daughter, and whether we would have gotten along. I will never stop grieving, even if the time I had with my father was short.

However, through missing parts of my parent in my life, I have learned to value my family and friendships more. I have a mom/step-dad/brother that all love me. Not that I don't still fight with my family, because I definitely do. I will always have a piece in my life that is missing, but that doesn't mean I should devalue the relationships I do have. They will be the people that you hold onto in hard times, times that you didn't know you could get through. They will be the biggest blessings in your life.

You will become a much stronger person than you thought possible. There will be days, like everyone else, that are terrible, no good days. However I know that I have someone looking out for me, and when my time ends I'll be running up to those white gates. While the pain of losing a parent will forever be present, sometimes more than others, it will be easier to carry.

The major reality of losing a parent at a young age is that it sucks. However you can continue to live everyday feeling sorry for yourself, or you can try to make the most of everyday you have. Being strong doesn't come with the circumstances you have to face, but with how you choose to approach and build off of them. For me that means trying to be kind like my father. It means being bold despite opposition, humble when I make mistakes, and well intentioned with my actions. Losing any parent at whatever age is a huge blow, and should be approached with a grief process, however it is also a growing and learning process.

As always... Fire Up Dutch!