Not feeling anything for a moment is scary, but not feeling anything at all for an unknown period of time can be much worse. Think I'm kidding? Well, I am not.

(PSA: I know I write a fair amount about mental health. And some might perceive it as unhealthy. This idea I fully understand.

What I hope people come to see it that I learn new things about myself every day, and have different things happen that I don't even feel comfortable discussing usually. This individual thing falls under that, but I know I am not alone. I summoned up the courage to write this for that very reason. Anyway, let's get started.)

Many things have happened in my past, resulting in PTSD, and sometimes I blame these moods on that. Could this be a sign of depression or a mood disorder? According to many sites, maybe. But I have yet to figure it out.

The thing is, it always scares me that it happens. One moment I'll be calm and happy, then the next, out of nowhere, I don't want to be touched or around anyone. I'm just disinterested. And I push people away when this happens.

I apologize to anyone who has to deal with me when this happens because I know it can be worrisome. This kind of a switch is not healthy. My mother has actively tried to figure out what is wrong before, only for me to shut her out for a while.

How long it lasts also varies. It might be an hour or an entire day before I become myself again. It feels like I am a monster.

But these moods come and go, and my reality remains that I have to do some damage control, mostly because I get irritated extremely easily at these times.

At first, I didn't realize this was happening, and it plagued me some. Then, like panic attacks and the 'wonderful' attachents I deal with, I started to be able to tell when it was beginning. So, with this knowledge, I made a plan to do as little damage as possible. If I could reduce the casualties then maybe, just maybe, I could still function normally to a certain degree. But the black hole is still as powerful as before.

As weird as this seems, and as little as I am saying because this is a reality that scares you and makes you feel horrible afterward, there is an explanation. One day I will figure this out and get the cause down to a singular reason, as I have the type of anxiety I experience in the last month.

But for now, I will accept that I have little to no clue why this happens and that it makes me sound somewhat crazy. You never know what goes on in someone's head until they say it sometimes.