The phrase "toxic masculinity" that almost seems brand new, but I know it’s been around for a few years. Authors, critics, and activists have used this phrase to describe characteristics of masculinity that they deem retrograde, antiquated, or otherwise harmful. As a young man, I can say with all honesty that there are some qualities of masculinity that I am sick of seeing in pop culture and everyday life. Being a twentysomething, I can say that there are very juvenile perceptions of masculinity in people my age and, quite regrettably, in men 20+ years older than me.
The most glaring observation I've made of toxic masculinity is that men have a tendency to quantify their masculinity: "How much do you bench?" "How many drinks have you had?" "How many times have you had sex?" "I’ll tell you how much I’m worth if you tell me how much you’re worth." These are all questions I’ve been asked by men who are honestly still juvenile at heart — not the last one, though. That’s a quote from "The Big Short." Regardless, those questions all use numbers to elevate one’s self above others, all for a stronger sense of pride.
That is toxic.
I’ve often read breakdowns of toxic masculinity that list stoicism as one of its characteristics. I disagree firmly with this criticism, because stoicism has strong merits. It is a philosophy that emboldens the individual and encourages resilience in the face of adversity. The concept of toxic masculinity writes off this characteristic as unhealthy because it supposedly encourages men to be cold, unemotional, uncaring, and needlessly rugged. Perhaps this is the case when taken to the extreme, but stoicism disciplines us to test our character and virtue rather than get carried away by what hurts us. Who would ever wish to suppress such a way of living?
Of course, it is unhealthy to suppress all forms of emotion. We would not be human otherwise, but there is a way to reconcile stoicism with empathy and that is to pay attention to the context of the situation. Both tragic and fulfilling events warrant some kind of emotional expression. Confiding in a friend certainly warrants emotional reciprocation, but that right there is the keyword for the emotional side: reciprocation. Reciprocation builds rapport. It hurts to dwell on emotions, especially the negative ones.
Men want power, it is a tale as old as time. (Insert "Beauty & the Beast" reference here.) That desire is not going to die out anytime soon, because power always feels good when it’s in your hands. But it’s not always the case that men wanting power is harmful. It all depends on how they strive for it. Violence is harmful and abhorrent no matter the perpetrator or victim. That is why we need to rethink our concept of power and how we wish to achieve it. Instead of looking at power in terms of numbers, materials, and conquests, we ought to look at power in terms of charisma, influence, and respect. Those are what all men should ultimately strive for.
We should not look at masculinity as something which we can measure.
Weightlifting might tell you you're physically strong, but what does it say about your character?
Out-drinking your friends might show your high tolerance for alcohol, but what does that say about your future drinking habits?
Hooking up might tell you about your performance in bed, but what does that say about your ability to commit to a relationship?
Making a respectable salary might show your net worth, but what does it say about your work habits and your saving/spending habits?
Instead of using material and measurable means of determining masculinity, we should view masculinity in terms of fulfillment of their duties: as a parent, as a child to our parents, as a spouse, as a sibling, as a role model in general.