Sexual assault does not discriminate. Rapists do not care what the color of your skin is, how tall you are, how old you are, or if you are male, female, underage or elderly--and the rapist will mostly not care if you are in a committed relationship with them. Sexual assault is a prevalent problem not only in the US, but around the globe. Sex crimes are rising and it is only now, in 2017, that people are becoming more aware of it. Consent and “No means No” has become something we are learning the true complexity of--but is it truly complex?
I’ve always stuck to the rule, “Stop” means “Stop”. That “No” means “No.” I can say no and change my mind--I can change my mind after saying no, change it again and say “NO” again. That’s consent. Without a clear, concise “Yes” there is no consent.
So, to the young woman who posted an article stating, “I Raped My Boyfriend and I Didn’t Know It", I am officially calling you out.
You stated multiple times in your own account of events that what you did, as you did it, you were aware that it was wrong. Yet you continued. You confessed to pressuring your partner into sex--which is called “coercion”. That does not equal consent.
You stated because in previous conversations you had with him he expressed his interest in having sex with you. You then went on to say since you were together, you saw no problem going into a room where he was sleeping, and going on to “fuck” him--while he was asleep, responding--but still asleep. That was rape. When he woke up and tried to fight you off, and asked you to stop and repeatedly told you no, you coerced him into letting you finish raping him. You didn’t fuck him. You raped him.
I have rarely said this aloud, and in the times I have I could barely stand to continue with the conversation: But, while I was in a committed relationship with a male partner whom I had regular sexual intercourse with, we were beginning to instigate sex. My best friend called, and I tried to tell her it wasn’t a good time--but everything changed. She needed me, and conveniently lived down the street. When I heard her crying, telling me it would be okay and hung up--I told my partner I couldn’t continue, and I had to go. He dismissed it, tried to get me to see that my Best Friend was a grown up, and could handle things on her own. But he never really cared to know about how things between me and my lifelong best friend worked. He didn’t know as much about me and my friends and family as I knew about him.
I told him I had to go, and it wouldn’t take long--worst case, he could grab some food from the kitchen and we could have our little rendezvous later in the evening. But he wouldn’t listen. I kept saying no as he pulled off my pants and continued to initiate sex, but because I had conditioned myself not to scream in situations where I was being harmed--from a lifetime of abuse--I had conditioned myself to laugh instead. So while I said no and kicked at him, he saw me being playful. I am naturally a playful, cheery and laid back person. I tease and taunt and enjoy cracking jokes. And boy, I love laughing. But I gave in, because 1) He was stronger than me 2) I was in love with him 3) I didn’t want to lose him, and 4) Because the sooner he finished, the sooner I could yell at him, tell him to leave and go help my best friend.
The moral of the story is: You don’t write an article confessing to a crime and make yourself the victim, claiming you didn’t know what you were doing. You yourself claimed to have taken multiple classes on consent, sexual assault and healthy relationships--you knew what you were doing, you knew you didn’t have his consent, and you did it anyways.
My ex, he knew I had been abused, and he knew when I said “No” I meant “NO”. But because of years of abuse and conditioning myself to laugh instead of scream so I could avoid further injury or damage, he went with it. He thought, “She’s mine to fuck whenever I want. She is always up to fuck. Her best friend can wait. She’s laughing, she’s play fighting. Her no isn’t real--she’s being a tease.”
I wasn’t being a tease. I was withdrawing consent. He raped me. I can barely type it, say it or even think it. Because despite the fact he didn’t love me as I loved him, despite the fact he didn’t respect me at all, despite the fact our relationship wasn’t what it was meant to be--I can’t bear the weight that will be put on my heart and my soul to admit that someone I trusted, someone I loved, could do something so careless, and that I allowed it.
I am a victim--no--I am a survivor of sexual abuse and sexual assault. Childhood, Adolescence, and Spousal abuse/assault. All of it. It has, unfortunately, plagued my existence.
So what I will say to you now is fuck you, and I pray that you see the horror of your ways, the damage you have permanently inflicted and I pray that this never, ever happens to you. Because, if it happened to you, it would be a different article, a different conversation, and yet, it would still be disgusting, and horrible to have to think about.
Do us and everyone a favor--turn yourself in. You have an online confession, so just follow through and go to the authorities. Allow your ex, your victim, to heal. And please, never assume you have consent again.