I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this one, I can just feel it. Listen guys, I get it. Raisins are just like grapes, but made by extra sunlight, or some other excuse.....No. I won't have it alright? I won't. I refuse to accept these disgusting creations. Why God? Why raisins? They're not like healthy earth candies and in all honesty they look like wrinkled grandma skin. What kind of name is Raisin anyway? It's unappealing. If you're going to create something so heinous, you should at least name it something cute.

I have and always will consider raisins to be the Earth's turds. They remind me of these dogs (which are cute); however, raisins will never be cute to me.

Not only are these little imbeciles grotesque, but they are also imposters!! How many times have I ruined my day by biting into a delicious (or so I thought) chocolate chip cookie only to find out one of these mockeries was inside?! Maybe this is a first world problem, but good Lord, if I wanted a raisin cookie I would have just ate a pile of dirt instead and called it a night.

Besides lying to the universe and creating a massive amount of trust issues among unsuspecting youth, I have found these dried out rubber fruits in many other desserts, snacks, and breads. GET OUT!! YOU DON'T BELONG IN ANY OF THOSE!! Raisin bread??? Ice cream??? Pudding??? And my all time pet peeve, TRAIL MIX!! I have the world record timing for picking out raisins in trail mix--12 seconds emptying an entire bag. Someone tell me you have a faster time and provide video.

Please, don't even get me started about raisins in my salad, and their mobster cousins the craisin. (Ugh I just got really bad heart burn thinking about them). You have absolutely no right to come up in my salad and lay there like an abomination. HOW DARE YOU?

Now check this out folks. If this isn't enough to make you rethink your love for precious raisins, here is a conspiracy theory I have been thinking through for years. Ever since I was a mere pre-schooler I always wondered about this poor woman on the box. You know her. Exhibit A:

The Sun Maid girl. I'm sure you all think she's happy as can be in this raisin field, but I assure you you are wrong. You poor naive soul. This is not the face of a happy woman!! SHE'S LYING TO YOU!! For heaven's sake she's wearing a bonnet!! The raisins have held her hostage and made her smile for this picture!!! There are a lot of studies and research that help prove this, but I won't bore you with that. Just trust me on this.

Anyway, without using the "R" word (raisin) I would also just like to remind everyone how insulting it is to consider a raisin a grape. They are two totally, completely different things. A grape is a delicious fruit that refreshes me and I can enjoy, whereas a raisin is the devil's waste and ruins lives. None of us need anymore reminders about how wrinkly and aged our skin is going to look soon enough. If we must use raisins, let us use them for an anti-tanning PSA and that's about it. Ban these God awful things immediately, and please for the love of all that is good and pure in this world, STOP FEEDING THEM TO OUR CHILDREN!! They are our future!!

Thank you.

PS. This is a satirical article. My hatred for raisins isn't this strong....

But I'm still watching you raisins...