It was December 24th, 2007, the weather outside was not even chilly, but I was frozen. I sat in the waiting room of the ultrasound office. The ultrasound was already done but they told me the doctor needed to speak with me. I was to wait for his call.

I sat there numb, knowing, but not really knowing what was going on. The phone rang and I remember the haze I was in as I answered it. I remember the breath I held as the doctor told me the news. The child in my womb had no heartbeat.

Christmas was always a happy time for me. It was full of memories I loved to cherish. I recall the family dinners at my grandma's house. I remember sitting under the tree mesmerized by the bubble lights that were strung on her tree. Christmas 2007 changed that.

It was Christmas Eve, there was family to visit and dinners to have, presents to open. There was a 2-year-old little boy who was waiting for his mom to get back from the doctor. I wanted to crawl into my bed and not come out. I wanted to cry for the life inside me that would never be.

I don't recall who was there that day. I know my parents were, I don't remember much else. I do know that in my room I was trying to compose myself and I was told to get it together for the little boy who needed me. I pulled it together. I did Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with a smile.

The day I was scheduled for the surgery I broke down. I didn't want this to happen, I thought what if all the doctors were wrong. Maybe, just maybe there was a chance the little heart was still beating. I never got the chance to find out. That day changed my life.

I started working out and getting healthy. I was tired of what my life had become. I didn't want to lose another child. That's right, December 24th, 2007 wasn't the day I lost my first child. The first child I lost was in February of 2006. It was scary, and it was sudden, it was a day I had worn all black. Two babies lost to me in this life, and I wasn't sure if I could go through that again.

I had the chance to find out what I could handle when shortly after I found myself (without trying) pregnant. My due date was December 23rd. I nearly broke down. I could not have a child on December 24th. Every little twinge sent me running to the emergency room, every bad headache, every symptom that I didn't recognize had me scared. I reached the end of my families patience I am sure, but I didn't know what else to do.

Then she came. A beautiful baby girl. I saw her face and I knew her. All this time she was the child I was waiting for. She saved Christmas for me. Her presence was the gift that I didn't know I needed. My rainbow miracle baby.

Her life would not have been if not for the loss. Her smile, her face, her name, remind me every day that she is a gift. The best Christmas gift of all came in the form of a baby, so many years ago for all of us, and 10 years ago just for me.