I am never one to ask for help.
I am a huge advocate of learning on my own and getting through things by pushing on by myself and shaking things off without really talking about it. Dwelling on hardships only makes it worse right? Isn't that the best way to get over something?
So when I entered my senior year of college still carrying the emotional baggage from the past three years, and maybe even some repressed things from high school, I geared up for another year of pushing forward. It's my last year. the home stretch, what could happen that I have not dealt with before?
Three weeks into the semester and I'm already holding on by strings.
Maybe it was the thought of impending graduation and eventual exposure to the 'real world' creeping into my mind, maybe it was the stress of my first major injury in two years that is currently keeping me from participating in soccer for my senior season finally getting to me, or maybe even it was the sudden realization that my dream school never saw me as their "dream student", but I found myself openly weeping during one of my team's games. Not spurred on by anything directly, it came on so sudden and powerfully.
I cry at the drop of a hat, but never in public. I am a pro of shielding my emotions until I am at least in the privacy of my own bed, but in that moment I could no longer keep up the control I so fiercely keep a grip on. It was the first time in my 21 years of life I said to myself "I can't do this anymore" about any situation, while it was at first earth shattering it eventually turned into sweet relief.
Because it's ok to feel like this. It's ok to let go sometimes.
It is wildly excepted now that forcing high school seniors to attempt to have an idea of what they want to do with their lives is ludicrous. How can you possibly know what you are going to want in life twenty years from now when you have not even been alive for twenty years? College is the time for self-discovery, it is where you can freely figure out what you want out of life in terms of relationships, work, free time, and most importantly self-care.
A quarter-life crisis is the new norm. It doesn't mean you are damaged or there is something wrong with you because you do not have every single thing written down in a bullet journal. Not everyone has it all together, we all finish at our own pace.
The cliche has been tweeted over and over by popular Twitter accounts but Oprah Winfrey really was fired from her first reporting job, Tina Fey was at an entry level job in her thirties and Walt Disney had never even imagined Mickey Mouse until he was well into his golden years. You will find what you are meant to do in life eventually, I'm learning that slowly but surely.
In the mean time, take care of yourself and enjoy life. You only get one chance at it so do it however way you please.