A year ago, if you asked me to describe quarantine, I would've said something about yellow hazmat suits behind panels of glass. The situation we're in now wouldn't have exactly come to mind. So what's it like, besides endless boredom?
I'm spending a lot of time with myself. I don't have the distractions of my everyday routine. I can't just get up and go on an adventure, and, as a spontaneous person, I thrive off of that energy. I've been driving in circles, and maybe that sounds stupid, but it helps to clear my head. It used to, at least. Today, it made me realize that driving in certain areas can bring up memories that make me hit the steering wheel so hard that it still hurts hours later. I have so much anger that I thought had gone away, but I guess I just repressed it. The music was playing so loud, but all I could hear was the narrative of my thoughts, over and over again, wondering where I went wrong and why I haven't moved on yet. I didn't know that driving past that one little store had so much power over me.
My friends from school have been there for me more than anyone else. Talking to them reminds me of the life I have away from here -- a life where I'm free to explore the person I've become.
Since I can't do that here, I've been focusing on other things. I've been working out and reading books. I want to get to know myself better. How fast can I run? How invested can I become in a series? How good of a story can I write? I spent so long avoiding parts of myself that I was afraid were wrong, and now I just want to know everything.
I've realized that conventionally attractive has become unattractive to me. I look down at my perfectly polished, long nails, and I hate it. I want to put on the ugliest shirt I own and leave the house. Tuck it in with a belt and some black boots. The same ones from yesterday.
I miss being a goof. I miss asking people deep questions and staying up all night. I miss their company, and I hate the uncertainty. But there's a sense of comfort in all of us facing the uncertainty together.