I am a 19 year old who is WAY too good at goodbyes. I think maybe by now you all know this quite well. There's something about you all that keeps me going and though I don't know what it is, it's something.

I push you all away sometimes without a care in the world. I keep my mind on my idea of a prize (though it doesn't seem like it). A lot of the things I experience I keep to myself which leads to you all wondering why I'm crying for what seems like no reason. You don't understand my texts, emails, attitudes, want for meetings, cancellations of meetings, phone calls...I am trying to find a reason not to isolate. I am trying to find a reason to keep trying.

I know what's going through almost all of your minds: I'm not going anywhere because you won't let me. I'm not trying to make you all hate me, I am trying to understand why you don't and because I believe you should, I feel like I have to walk away.

My walking away is a little different. I make intentional decisions about what text messages and emails I'm going to respond to and send out, about what I'm going to wear or how I'm going to act. It's all a process. I'll spell this out for you.

When I was a junior in high school, I made intentional decisions to hurt EVERYONE I was close to. I lost my best friend of my entire life that year, did everything I could to make adult mentors leave me, and I was losing everyone including myself. I wanted to be done. I got asked to prom and I decided to go because, again, I believed that I was never EVER going to get to do that. I was actively choosing my path. When I went to buy a prom dress, I decided I needed to wear white.

I needed to wear white because I knew I was never going to get to wear a white dress ever again.

Brianna Gavin

During that same year, I dropped from honors classes to the next lowest level of classes, and I wanted nothing more but to fail so that everyone else around me could give up on me like I had already...sound oddly familiar? It should.

I thought that it would hurt less if I walked away from you rather than you leaving me, but that's not true...it hurts so damn much.

I don't want to be the person that turns down every single invitation and slowly withdraws from the people I care about. I don't want to be the person who constantly has to reach out to ask someone to listen to me. I want someone to reach out to me. I tell myself the quote, "If your absence never affected them, your presence never mattered." Maybe it's obvious to you that I think about those words. I feel forgotten so often, so does my presence ever matter?

I want you to know that my comments are not intentional attacks on you. I am very aware that I can be rude and I'm sorry for that. I am at a constant "fight" state but I want to protect you all. I am not completely honest with almost any of you because you don't deserve to have to hear my demons speak.

It breaks my heart day after day when I sit and reflect on what I've told you all because it kills me to know how helpless of a position I've put you in. I never wanted you to feel like there was nothing you could do to help me. I just never wanted you to give up on me like I gave up on myself, but I understand if you do.

Truthfully, I secretly want you all to keep trying. I want you to love me, but I just want to save you from me.

"I push away the people I want the most in my life, and I tell myself that it's because I need to learn to live without attachments. But deep inside, all I want, is for someone to resist my efforts at pushing them away and tell me I am worth holding on to."

Sincerely,

Bri