Back in middle school, I went through an abusive relationship. It affected me, even to this day. I became depressed, I hated myself and contemplated suicide, both during and after the relationship. Though I knew I could never follow through with ending my life, the thought of dying seemed like an easier choice than living broken and betrayed. I was only 13, I should not have been thinking like that. I should not have had to go through something like that, but I did. It cannot be changed now.
Eventually, my parents found out through an email about me wanting to die. Thankfully, they signed me up to see a psychologist, let me talk to someone who was a professional and able to help me through those dark times, at least I thought that was their job.
When I first met my psychologist, I liked them. They were calming and talked to me like a human being, not like a patient. They helped me to open up a little bit and put some of my feelings into words. During my time with them, I left my abusive relationship and we worked towards healing me emotionally. I knew I could not be "cured" of depression, but they well helping me to learn how to better manage it.
During one visit, I mentioned something about how the sun coming in from the window behind them looked cool. Suddenly, they changed, claiming that I am able to see auras and that not all of the emotions I feel are my own. They began asking if I have ever noticed colors around people or felt other's emotions or their guilt. They started going over what different color auras people could have and what they mean.
The precious hour meant to help me became into what felt like psychic training. I still felt broken inside, but they were making me feel as if the feelings I felt were mine but possibly my abuser or just the person sitting next to me in class. I felt betrayed by the one person whose whole job was to help me.
After a few more sessions, I told my mom that I thought I was better and no longer needed to see a psychologist. It was a lie, but I could not keep seeing them, and feeling as if I was crazy. I have not really sought out professional help since then. I know that was a rare case and there are thousands of wonderful psychologist and psychiatrist that excel at their job. I am just afraid that I will be made to feel like that once again.
One day, I may seek professional help again, but my fear will always be there. I trusted them, and that trust was broken. I just hope that trust can be repaired again.
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.
National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7