Running for president is very difficult. However, there is something that is even more difficult—finishing the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory tour.

I would amend this statement and declare that there is not a single candidate in this presidential race would could, in Charlie Bucket fashion, survive the tour and be awarded the presidency factory. Every candidate in this presidential race would be tempted or tricked by some aspect of the factory tour.

Marco Rubio

Rubio is the first to go. While he may be a contender in the Republican primary, his chance to complete the factory tour would be over as soon as he stepped into the first room. Rubio spends the majority of his time on the tour bemoaning President Obama and his policies. Eventually, one of the candidates asks him about a different policy and he simply begins to repeat his last sentence. This repetition leads him to confuse himself, trip, and fall into Chocolate River. Unfortunately, his tour is over as soon as a pipe sucks him up and whisks him away from the other candidates.

Hillary Clinton

Clinton is up next. Probably the most qualified candidate, Hillary spends the tour listing off her accomplishments while also trying to simultaneously befriend and sabotage the other candidates’ chances. When they reach the experiment room, Clinton is confident that she can handle any of the new candies that Wonka is working on. She’s hip and cool and down with all of the fads these young whippersnappers find “mad sweet.” Unfortunately, her overenthusiasm leads her to try a candy that turns her into a giant blueberry. Her tour is over as the oompa-loompas roll her away.

Donald Trump

Trump succumbs to the tour once they reach the Golden Egg room. He spends most of his tour screaming and yelling random, and often inaccurate, facts. Donald claims that the oompa-loompas are illegal immigrants and demands that they are sent back to “wherever they came from.” Really, he is just jealous because their skin tone is the same as his. He declares that he is “winner” of the tour because he is the best and calls Wonka, himself, a loser. When Wonka won’t accept a “small loan” of a million dollars in exchange for a goose that lays golden eggs, Trump throws a fit and attempts to take one himself, calling Wonka a terrorist. Unfortunately his tour ends when he is sent down the trash shoot by the oompa-loompas.

Ted Cruz

Cruz makes it far on the tour by remaining somewhat under the radar. With everyone focused on Violet's Trump’s tantrums, he stays in the background while strengthening his campaign. However, the television room is his demise. Once there, he begins to complain about the “New York values” that are seen on television and goes on a rant about the importance of mid-America ideals. He also reminds everyone multiple times that he is American, not Canadian. Cruz’s rant distracts him, and he is zapped into the world of television and shrunken down to minuscule size, thus ending his tour.

Bernie Sanders

Sanders makes it all the way to the end of the tour but not without some troubles. He no doubtably makes sure that the oompa- loompas are getting proper health benefits and a high wage. Throughout the tour, he laments the power of big business and questions Mr. Willy Wonka himself about his company’s adherence to government regulations. Although he is not tricked by any of the factory’s traps, he is not gifted the company in the end. Rather, he gives Wonka’s secret recipe to Slugworth in order to stop the company from becoming a monopoly.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it is important to see who would succeed in the true battle: the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory tour. As we have seen, the winner is no one. The American people Willy Wonka is going to have to think long and hard about which person he wants to run his company because at this point it is all looking pretty bleak.