I knelt in a place that had been a refuge during my constant state of despair. A place that elevated me away from the pool of fear. I knew I could always find the tranquility in something greater.
I prayed in the bunk, several bunks distant from the altar. I was told that I could pray for the most desired thing in my life. The most desired thing in that moment was to rid myself of loneliness and the state of sadness that it carries. I could not bear the unhappiness and needed the void to be filled.
The leakage those wounds created, of blood, ache so profusely. I just wanted to end the hurting.
I prayed for someone to enter into my life. Prayed for someone to return to my life. Prayed for the notification of being accepted into a certain position or retreat. I noticed that the praying I needed was of a returning of the self. A clearer understanding of my pathway. The ability to dream, again. To sit in prayer, once again. I could relive the life I had started constructing for myself. The spiritual, philosophical, and loving person that only desired to listen to stories and share stories.
I was only praying for a life that I so desired because of the supposed happiness others have. This jealousy merely consumed my mind and overtook the heart. It was fed falsehood.
I learned that the heart seems to know how to recover from such an attack. It is resilient enough to illuminate itself. It coordinated with the mind to bring reminders of people and the places we had touched, and the delicacies we had eaten. It revived the power of simplicity found in a hug, a word, a smile. All that had been enough to fulfill my life.
Returning to mind were the prayers, letters, and bracelets I had to give. That was true happiness. Prayer for happiness was not necessary. Prayer to find myself was. Even if the struggle had always seemed so immense and eternal, my life had an abundance of fortune. I had lived a life that would be unheard of to my parents if they had not relocated to a foreign country. This transition has granted me a treasure in memories — the education I received, the travels I have experienced, the voice I was able to share. All memories I now hold. The armored memories that are unbreakable.
I needed to pray for guidance for my own journey. I myself am the only thing needed to rid myself of loneliness, because by replacing that word with solitude, I am content with my own time and growth. All I needed was my own resiliency. I will forever know that the shadowed times may seem impactful, lengthy and draining; I know that the faith in myself will help me flourish above rotted dirt.
I am evidence that the light overshadows the darkness of my life.