Trigger Warning
Sometimes all of the sounds, colors, people, everything seems to blend together and I can't seem to understand why.
I can't tell the difference between one voice and the other and all of the sounds become drowned.
The world goes black and white and all the colors become mute without a rhyme or reason and the world is in slow motion.
Life feels like you are stuck in a cell unable to know what is really going on around you.
My nose is stuffed and I can't smell or taste a thing but possibly the sweet gentle kisses of a man in the past, life has changed.
Sometimes when I see everything as mute it symbolizes the search for my true self within.
Sometimes all of the sounds, colors, people, everything is so loud and vibrant and that is when I have a sensory overload.
Everyone's voices blend together and all of the colors make a beautiful shade with no current name.
The sound of the water from the faucet dripping gets louder and louder while it heats up and hits the granite sink.
My sense of smell elevates; the strong smell of cashed cigarettes and how my dad smells when coming home from work.
Sometimes when the colors and everything are far more vibrant than I recall it symbolizes my true self coming out from within.
The world is both spinning and going in slow motion; I just want it all to stop but it won't. It won't go back to normal.
The walls cave in and I feel suffocated by my own self, my body doesn't connect well with my brain and that is when this happens.
I feel the slow heat of the day creep upon my skin engulfing me and I then drip away the pain and the feelings of before.
My heart begins to beat faster and faster, letting me know I am still alive and soon I feel the drip again.
The drip of tears or rain or perhaps it was just sweat.
Regardless, these heightened and mute feelings are much more prominent if you take time to notice.
Touch is the first, the feeling of a cold surface or the hair on your head or the way it feels when you scratch yourself.
The taste of metal when you burn or cut yourself, the taste of salt in the air or the taste of regret after an unsettling event.
The sound of your own breathing, the beat of your heart, the light hum when it is very quiet.
The smell of the wet earth, the sheets on your bed or the sweat from your inner body pouring out.
Sight is the last, the view of a vibrant hue in the distance, the sad view of a tragic occurrence or perhaps no sight at all.
Senses either engulf you for what they are or you are left feeling as though you are drowning not being able to feel any of them at all.
And that is the worst part.
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.
National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7